Time Machine

I find lately that I am living in the year 2008, if only in my own head. Being away from Nathan has taken it's toll and I don't want to think of anything other than a life that has him present in it. I want the deployment to be over and I want OCS to be done and gone. I want to be in his arms tonight, cuddled up in our bed. Instead, I am here at the end of 2006, unable to sleep despite it being way past my bedtime. In three days, our best friend, Leland will arrive in Minnesota to help me load the trailer and drive to Kansas. It is time to move again and I'm left with the same feelings. No matter where I go, Nathan isn't there. At the very least in Kansas there will be people who know him, or who knew him once upon a time. There are people there who miss him and who pray for him. His family is there and I know that they will help me through the next year and a half of ups and downs with Nathan coming in and out of our lives as he progresses through the demands of this career. I know, and have always known, that being a soldier is what is best for Nathan and for our family. He is just crafted to be a soldier and he is the best soldier I have ever known. I also know that I am not, nor have I ever been, up to the task of being a soldier's wife. I am terrible at this whole thing. I have no idea how to be the strong and confident wife that Nathan needs. All I know is that the only way through this life of ours is for me to lean entirely on our Lord. He knows how to craft me into the wife I must be just as He knew how to craft Nathan into the soldier he is. Although I often dream of a life where we travel as missionaries and we are free to be together every day of our lives, I know in my heart that is not the life set before us. It is hard, unbearable even, but He gives me a new set of mercies and a new heap of grace every single day. He knows how to get me through every moment and He knows the plans He has for us.

Tonight, as I become increasingly more drowsy, I thank our Lord, my Father, for today's mercies and for daily teaching me to trust Him for Nathan's safety and for our future.

Moving to Kansas

After a lot of discussion throughout the months that I have been here in Minnesota, we have decided it would be best if I moved to Kansas. It turns out that Nathan will be attending Officer Candidate School beginning in June of 2007 and will not return to Minnesota until early in 2008. That would mean that I would be alone in Minnesota for another solid year and a half. It has been hard for me to be here alone for the past 7 months. I am grateful that I have had so many friends here and that so many people have lifted me up and taken such good care of me. I have just reached a point where I really need there to be someone at home when I get there. It has been hard to walk into this empty apartment. I am quite lonely and the absence of Nathan breaks my heart every day. Being with family and living with my dear mother and father in law will help me to get through the next year and a half without Nathan.

It is now November 11th, Veteran's Day, and I will be leaving here in just 19 days. I am so excited for the change of pace and I'm thrilled that I won't be spending Christmas without family around. I'm looking forward to learning more about Nathan's family and developing some really strong bonds with them. I will be attending school in Kansas working on my Sign Language Interpreter certification. (For those of you who don't know, both of my parents are deaf so sign language is quite dear to my heart.) I'm so excited to start on a path towards something that can be a productive force in my life. I have spent so many years now just wandering about without any idea of what it is I want to do. I have a lot of peace now knowing that I will be working towards a goal and that I won't be a secretary anymore. All of the jobs I have had have been good for me and I have learned a lot about who I am through those jobs. Now it is time to develop a career.

There are so many things that I am looking forward to now that we have made this decision. There will be many people I will miss greatly over the next year and a half. They will all be in my prayers and I will look forward to returning to Kansas with Nathan and reconnecting with everyone. I feel good about this decision and I am looking forward to all that God has in store for us in Kansas. I grateful for a husband who is willing to make change when it is time to make change. I'm thankful that we can both roll with the punches and focus on our future goals rather than our present situation. It is the hope of our dreams for the future that keeps us moving through these hard times away from one another.

Today I just thank God that He knows how our lives will turn out and that all of our worries and frustrations can be turned over to him, that we don't have to worry because we know Him.

Distractions

I just couldn't go home after church today. I drove out and spent the afternoon with some friends and I couldn't seem to leave their house. I got so tired I had to head for home but it was hard. I felt the sadness wash over me as soon as I got in the truck and the quiet set in again. It is nice to have so many distractions in my life, so many people who want to help me through this time. The hard part is when all of the distractions are done for the day, when there is no distracting left to do. Then the reality sets in and I'm right back where I started, missing Nathan and wishing for this all to be over with. Each day makes me miss him and long for him ever more than the day before. I feel disconnected and incomplete. I just want him home with me and I want to snuggle up next to him in our bed tonight. I'm sad and I feel very alone. Even the dogs don't seem to be able to calm me tonight. Sleep seems to be the only solution so I'm off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be full of distraction.

Tonight I thank God for Nathan and I thank Him for the passing of another day. We're one day closer.

Our Empty Home

There is something that is deafeningly quiet about our home now. I feel the absence of him in a way unlike any I've felt thus far. Having him here for that short time had this quality of infusing him into this place. I can't hardly open my eyes in our apartment, our truck, or our town, without seeing him. His gloves are sitting on the passenger seat of the truck and his clothes are in the dirty laundry basket. I took the dogs to the park earlier this week and all I could see were my memories of him playing and running around with our dogs, Whiskey and Gunner. We were really a family for those two weeks. It was Nathan and me and our two boys and the world was just as it should be. Now it is just me and the dogs, our boys, and all is no longer as it should be.

I just watched the movie that we saw on our last date before Nathan left Vermont. We had been together eight days and I remember crying in his truck in the parking lot after the movie. I remember the feeling that a part of me was leaving and I would never be whole again. The problem with that feeling is that it is only magnified by our marriage and the growth of our bond. Today I miss him in a way I never thought possible. I've been hurt before and I've gone through things that caused a lot of pain but never have I been so vulnerable to someone else. Nathan touches parts of me that I didn't know I had. He has become a part of me and I feel so exposed and so lonely without him.

It breaks my heart to think of where Nathan is tonight. I know that he is sleeping in an uncomfortable bed in a trailer in the desert. For the next six months he won't feel any of the comforts of home. He won't be close to me and I won't be able to touch him, to hold him, to help him heal his hurts and to share his joys. For the next six months he will live his work day in and day out without rest. For the next six months he will be virtually alone, separated from everyone that he loves in a harsh world of dangers and frustrations. For the next six months I will miss him and worry for him with every fiber of my being. For the next six months we will both learn infinitely large lessons in leaning on and trusting in our Lord.

I would give anything just to be there with him, to comfort him and to help him sleep at night. All I really want is to be there to hold onto him when his day has gone badly and to listen to his wonderful stories of his time with the Iraqis and all of his adventures. I want to be there to be his sounding board and his shoulder to cry on. I want to support him and to be all that he needs me to be. Sometimes this empty house and these 12000 miles make me feel so helpless and so alone.

Tonight, in the striking reality of the absence of Nathan, I'm thankful for my dogs, who lay right by my side and keep me sane through all of this. They don't say anything awkward or attempt to understand something that they will never be able to relate to. They just lay here next to me and let me know that they are here and I am not alone. I'm thankful that God knows where I'm at and He sees me through all of these days. I'm thankful that He will care for Nathan when I cannot. I'm thankful that He cares for me and has provided a faithful, loving husband and in his absence two faithful, loving dogs.

A Perfect 15 Days

Many people have asked me this week how my time with Nathan was and my response has been that it was just perfect, beyond what I could have imagined. We didn't do anything special, no trips or adventures. It was just us and our dogs (Nathan would also have me mention the presence of our cat) for two solid weeks. We spent much of our time alone together curled up in a chair or on the couch or in the bed. We were quiet much of the time as well. Being together spoke volumes more than any words we could have shared. I don't feel like our time was anything other than ordinary and that made it extraordinary. When you live seperate lives on different continents the ordinary things of life are what you miss most about one another. I commented to a dear friend that the presence of Nathan's whiskers on the sink after he shaves is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. I loved doing our laundry and pulling out socks and underwear that didn't belong to me. I loved being forced into watching Ultimate Fighting on Spike (Television for Men). I loved that I finally had someone to eat my takeout leftovers and share extra large deserts with me. I loved feeling his hand absentmindedly playing with my hair at the movie theater and in line at the grocery store. I loved knowing he was in the room, even if he was looking at the latest trap shotguns online. I loved hearing him make his coffee in the morning and listening to him chat with the dogs while he thought I was still asleep. I loved that he kissed me and wrapped the blankets a little tighter around me when he got out of the bed before me. I loved listening to him recap the walk he took with our dogs and how well they did and how both pups peed and pooped. (We find great success and joy when our dogs release their bladders outdoors and we always share the intimate details with one another.) I truly loved every moment of Nathan's time here. I loved every nuance and every gesture and every tilt of the head. I settled into being his wife over the past couple of weeks. I grew comfortable with the role and with myself, just being around him. He calms me, slows me down, teaches me to be a better version of myself. I am blessed to spend any time with him at all, let alone the rest of my life.

As much as my heart aches for him now and as much as I long to bury my head in his chest once more, I am so very grateful to have had him here for the time that I did. He is my angel, sent by God to lead me through this life. I couldn' t be more grateful for Nathan than I am right now, in the midst of missing him I am overwhelmed with just how incredible a man he truly is. Tonight I thank God for the blessing of my husband and for the blessings found in missing him as much as I do. God is able to make our worst moments into blessings and I'm thankful for that.

Numb

I don't have any idea how to express the numbness and the loneliness that I feel today. I miss him more than I will ever be able to put into words.

You Owe Nothing...

A month and a half have passed since I last posted. Much has been happening in our lives. I moved into a new apartment in the month of September and spent much of my free time preparing for Nathan's arrival in early October. He is here with me now, in his boxers and t-shirt. He just kissed me on his way into the kitchen and told me that I am the love of his life. It's nearly midnight and we have just two short days left before he leaves on his return flight to Iraq.

I felt compelled to write tonight for many reasons. As with most of my entries, I come to this place when all of the emotion of this journey grows beyond what my heart and mind can handle. I come here when it is time to put some of it down on paper, in words, so it can be quietly released. In all of the joy of the past two weeks, there has been a looming sorrow in both Nathan and I. The return to Iraq hangs over us like a giant black cloud. We have yet to have a time in our lives where we can truly experience the solitude and peace of routine and normalcy. We both seem to be wondering if we might ever experience normalcy.

In the midst of all of our questions and all of our fears, there are mountains of sweet blessings that remind me that God is with us and that He will see us through the path He has given us. Tonight offered one of those sweet blessings and reminded me that in a world where there are men who desire to kill my husband, there are also those who desire to honor him and to thank him for the sacrifices he makes.

The owner of the company I work for was kind enough to give us a gift certificate to a very nice steakhouse in downtown Minneapolis, Manny's. It is a very expensive, very classy sort of place. Not the kind of restaurant that Nathan and I usually find ourselves in. I was excited to be able to go someplace nice and we both decided that we would make use of the gift just before he returned to Iraq. We thought it would be a nice way to cap off our wonderful time together. I wore a new dress and Nathan donned a suit and tie just for the occasion. We made a late dinner reservation and we were asked if we were celebrating anything special. I mentioned that this would be our last night out before Nathan returned to the war and the maitre'd said he would make a note of it. We both enjoyed a beautiful cut of steak and a loaded baked potato. We held hands nearly the whole time at our table and we exchanged very few words. It was a rather somber dinner, but it seemed to fit both of our moods. Our waitress brought us the most incredible dessert I have ever seen and we both smiled as we shared our giant brownie concoction. Dinner was over and our waitress, Theresa, arrived with our check. She laid it open on the table in front of us and it said "You Own Nothing". Our $130.00 check had been taken care of; we didn't owe a thing. Theresa assured us it was correct and then she left our table. I teared up and tried not to break down in front of the crowd of people still dining around us. Theresa returned and again reassured us that it was the least that they could do. She thanked Nathan for his service and explained that she had left the table because she was teary as well. She was so kind to us and she seemed genuine and sincere. We left her a tip and then proceeded to the coat check to pick up my coat. The man checking the coats thanked Nathan as well and even came out into the hall after we left the restaurant to wish Nathan well, just one more time.

Our experience this evening may seem trivial to some. To me it was miraculous and touching. The words our waitress wrote on that receipt, You Owe Nothing, struck me. The whole evening seemed to offer a message of appreciation to my dear, sweet soldier. A message that says, you don't owe anyone anything, but we all appreciate that you sacrifice for us regardless. That is just the thing about my husband, and other men just like him. He could have chosen a life that served him more than anyone else. He is a strong, intelligent man who is unbeliveably capable and competent. He could have all the cars he loves, a giant home, a warm comfortable bed, decadent food, a career that provides much more than he would ever need, and a life that meets his every want and desire. He chose a life that is more about protecting others than about selfish gain. He chose a life of sacrifice because that is who he is. He does all of this because he is honored to be a citizen of this country and even more honored to defend it at any cost. He doesn't owe us anything. He has chosen to defend us; he has chosen this life. I am so thankful tonight, that someone else chose to honor him and to say thank you in a way that really touched us both. We had hoped for a nice dinner to cap off our very short time together. What we got was so much more than that and I am reminded that no matter how much my heart aches, my husband has made a choice and I couldn't be more proud and more thankful of his sacrifice.

Tonight I thank God for people who honor my Soldier's faithful, diligent work and I thank God for all of those who stand watch tonight while we rest in one another's arms just one more time.

Late Night Chat

I haven't been able to get to sleep lately. I can't quite put my finger on the reason for my late nights but here I am. It's 12:15 am and I'm still up. I'm not even a touch tired. I just had a short chat with Nathan by way of instant messenger and now he is off to start his day. I'd like to finish my day and climb into bed but it just doesn't seem to be working out that way.

We are currently anticipating Nathan's mid-tour leave. It looks like he'll be home in about five weeks. I didn't expect to be so nervous about his arrival. There is so much that one doesn't consider until they are in a particular situation. I know that so many people who are not connected to a soldier have so many assumtions about what it is like for those of us who are awaiting the arrival of our partner. All we have had for nearly six months is phone and internet contact. I haven't felt the touch of my husband's hands since March. I've gotten used to being alone. I've adjusted to sleeping in the bed alone and to eating meals alone in front of the television. Nathan has adjusted to sharing a small living space with another man and eating in a chow hall with hundreds of other men. He hasn't felt the warm touch of his wife in a long time. We certainly look forward to these times together but it is an adjustment for both of us. It seems that just when we've settled into the reality of our situation, everything is turned upside down once more. There are a lot of insecurities and awkward moments that arise from the sudden changes that we are about to experience. I think the anticipation has us both on edge. We still have five weeks to go and unfortunately, they will probably be the longest five weeks we've experienced so far. We're counting the days and we're both desperatly ready to be together again.

It's raining outside my window now. I love the sound of the rain. It is so melancholy, much like I am right now. I look forward to rainy nights with Nathan. The rain is always a wonderful excuse to stay indoors and spend some quiet time together. There are so many simple things that I look forward to. I just want to see his face and to feel his presence in our home.

I'm getting drowsy now. I think I'll take advantage of the sleep tonight. Thanks be to God for the rain and for my Nathan.

Have we forgotten?

The other night I sat down in our living room to watch the movie Flight 93 for the first time. It recently came out on DVD and I felt like I might be ready to face the realities of 9/11 again. I was shocked at how much emotion was stirred up by watching that movie. I felt as if I had rushed back to September 11, 2001 and was reliving the whole thing. I was in a fog for at least 24 hours. When I came out of the fog, I realized that we have forgotten so many things that we should have learned from that black day in our history. We have lost our sense of unity, our patriotism, our desire to help one another get through the day. In the weeks after 9/11 strangers were lending a hand to help others deal with the pain of the loss that we all felt as Americans. We didn't see political, economic or racial standings. What we saw were other Americans who were reeling from the devestation of being so violated, of having our security and our peace ripped from our very lives. We were what Americans were always meant to be, united.

Today I look around us and I see a very different sort of America. It seems we are more divided than we have been in decades. We draw lines between one another and demand that no one crosses those lines. We cannot find peace among ourselves yet we scream for peace everywhere else. Lines of protestors stand in front of the post office while I attempt to ship a care package to my dear soldier, a soldier who fights so that people can hate him freely. I remember after 9/11 when the wife of a soldier was lifted up by her fellow countrymen. Now I feel like we must defend our husbands' honor.

It isn't that I think all Americans must tow the same party line or believe in the same things. It is more that I pray that we might be able to understand one another as human beings, as children of God. We are all fragile and fallen. We are all suceptible to the same vulnerabilities and the same sorrows. When our safety is threatened, when we are attacked and violated, we come together out of our shared pain. It saddens me that we cannot come together out of our shared humanity. It saddens me that my husband, my dear sweet Nathan, risks his life to ensure that nothing like 9/11 will ever happen to us again and that people hate him for doing so. The same people who cried with he and I after the towers fell are the people who cannot seem to support the sacrifice he makes now. What saddens me more than anything is that our forgetfulness has resulted in outright disrespect for those who haven't forgotten and who brave the desert war in order to ensure that our enemy has not forgotten either.

I'll end today with a quote I received in an email this week and with thanks to God that my husband hasn't forgotten.

"If you don't stand behind the troops, feel free to stand in front of them."

Flowers, Baseball and Foreign Affairs

There is something so special and unique about Nathan and I. He touches my heart and my mind. He knows and seeks to know every part of who I am. He is not afraid of my truths, my past, and he is so excited about my present. When we talk, he wants to hear what I have to say. So many people tell me that Nathan only treats me this way because we're newly married and that he'll settle in eventually and he won't be the same anymore. Call me naive but I don't believe that. Nathan is a giver and he loves to see the people he cares about enjoying their lives. He still does sweet things for his mother and thinks about what she might appreciate. He knows how important it is to call his grandmother and talk to her for as long as she wants to talk. He loves to hear the women in his life tell the stories of the day. Nathan doesn't dote over me because we're newly married, he dotes because that is who he is.

Just after lunch yesterday I was sitting at my desk chatting briefly with a couple of the ladies at the office when the flower delivery man arrived with the biggest bunch of Gerber Daisies that I have ever seen. The card on the delivery said, "To the love of my life - Happy Birthday! Love, Nathan". It reminded me of our first week together. Long before marriage and deployments, Nathan gave me a beautiful bouquet of Gerber Daisies, my favorite flower. There was one flower for each day that we had known one another. He just wanted me to have flowers. He just wanted me to know that he appreciated me and that I was beautiful. I won't ever forget that. More than remembering, I don't think I'll ever be able to take Nathan for granted. He knows what I need and when I need it. He is quick to apologize when he knows he was wrong and he is firm in his correction of me when we both know that I am wrong.

Yesterday was marked with Nathan's sweet side and this morning was marked with his intellectual side. We spent the majority of our morning commute talking about foreign affairs. Never in my life have I spent time with a man who had the insight to send me flowers and then talk wars and politics. That is just the thing about Nathan, he knows all of me, not just parts. He knows that I appreciate the flowers and the little notes and the surprise gifts. He also knows that I have much to say about the goings on of the world. He knows that an evening of Fox News and a heated discussion is just as important to me as a night out at a fancy restaurant. He knows that the morning standings from last night's ball games are as crucial to our connection as his words of love and his longing to be home with me. Nathan knows that the headlines of this morning's paper, the stats of last night's game, and how much I miss him and ache for his return are all things that are running through my mind at any given moment and he is willing to dive into any or all of those topics whenever I'm ready.

Nathan has been and always will be the only man who could touch every part of who I am in a way that mattered to me. Nathan is my best friend and he would tell you that I am his. We fit together well because it all matters to both of us. If it is important to Nathan, it is important to me and vice versa. We don't always agree but we always try to understand one another. I want to know where he is coming from. I appreciate his opinions and his thoughts and I know that he appreciates mine. We have mutual respect for one another and that is so comforting. We both desire to serve one another and to put the other's needs above our own. I'm so grateful for Nathan and for the way that he loves me. I am grateful for flowers, baseball and foreign affairs.

Promises

This week I celebrated my 25th birthday and Nathan attempted to order a present and have it delivered to me in a timely manner. He was so proud of himself for planning ahead and putting in his order weeks before my birthday. As the day approached, Nathan would ask if my present had arrived. On Friday, Nathan called, very upset, to report that the gift he had ordered was on back order and would not arrive in time for my birthday. He was furious and I could tell he felt awful about not being here for my birthday. I tried to remain as upbeat as possible and to reassure him that presents didn't matter and that I was just happy that he tried his best. The truth was, I was so upset to have a birthday, my first birthday with Nathan, be one that didn't matter. I wanted my birthday to mean something, to be special. I know Nathan wanted that too. I felt terribly that he couldn't be here and that he was feeling so guilty about it. The thing about deployment is that the focus is always on the war. Our thoughts and our dreams revolve around the status of troop movements. My heart aches each time the news isn't pretty. There isn't an hour of my day, nor an hour of Nathan's, that doesn't hold uncertainty and grave possibilities. It sounds so selfish, but I just wanted one day of freedom from all of the fear, from the deployment, from the distance, from the pain and the sadness. I wanted one day of simple pleasures with my husband.

At some point during the last week, Nathan said that he was upset because he had promised that my gift wouldn't be late. I felt the desperation in his voice, as if the present was the only thing Nathan felt he could do to ease the unfortunate realities of his job, of his way of life. That desperation made me reflect on the promises we made just seven short months ago. We promised that day that we would stand by one another through good times and bad, through sickness and health, through all that life had in our path. We promised to love and cherish one another regardless of circumstance. There was never a mention of presents on time, or holidays spent in the same house, let alone the same country. There were no promises of sharing the same bed, the same meals, the same home. We didn't promise to be home at five every night and to be there at the breakfast table every morning. We didn't promise to save one another from pain, sorrow, loneliness and fear. We didn't promise to solve one another's problems or to shield each other from the realities of life in this world. I vowed never to leave his side, to support him and lift him up and respect him for the rest of our lives. I knew that day, that our promises guaranteed us pain, loneliness and fear. Even God promises that we will suffer trials and persecution. The promises we make include the difficult things of life. As much as I would love to know that my birthday presents would always be on time and that Nathan would be home for dinner every night, those weren't the promises we made nor were those things promised to us. I'm just thankful that we have the time we have. I'm thankful that we're blessed with one another and that we can hold on to each other during the trials. I'm thankful that I have a husband who wants my birthday present to be on time. That, in and of itself, is a wonderful gift.

Today, I'd like to thank God for Nathan's priorities. Nathan faces danger and terrible living situations daily and yet he still makes it a priority to remember my birthday and to remember what it is that I face here at home. I am blessed beyond anything I have, or ever will, deserve.

Wandering through the Desert

I can't believe how quickly time is going by. It seems like only yesterday that I made my last entry. I am blessed by a life full of distractions. God has given me just what I asked for, no time to wallow in missing Nathan. I pray that the same is true for him. I know that he gets so very lonely and misses home more than I will probably ever understand.

I was on my way into work this morning listening to christian radio and the song "Strong Tower" by Kutless played. The first two lines brought me to a startling realization of the difficulties Nathan must face while he follows the Lord in Iraq. I was stunned by just how beautifully the song describes the struggles he must face. Today, I'll end with the lyrics of "Strong Tower" and with gratitude to our Lord for seeing Nathan and I through our Iraqi desert and for being our refuge and our hope.

When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way

I go running to Your mountain
Where Your mercy sets me free

You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And your face is all I seek

In the middle of my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul...

Reminiscing

Reminiscing is often an escape from the reality of today. Nathan and I have so many yesterdays that we cherish and so many todays that we struggle through. Just when I think I've got my sadness beat and I can roll through this deployment full of the joy of the Lord, I'm on my face again in tears asking for help to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes God works like that. Our pride puts us in a space where we don't think we need to lean on God for our provision and our joy. We think we've got it all worked out. We praise Him for getting us to a point where we don't need Him. We think that because He has helped us through the day and we're feeling good, that we don't need to seek Him each and every day. Just when I hit that place of pride in my ability to handle this deployment, I am knocked clean on my backside by my pain.

I've noticed this week that the devil also likes to reminisce. He likes to kick me when I'm down and take me back to every insecurity I've ever had. He has been successful this week at reminding me that I cannot be loved unless I am perfect. He spat on my already broken heart and told me over and over that I must earn the love of God. He has driven me to tears with thoughts of losing Nathan to my imperfections. He took advantage of my pride and reminded me that I have nothing to be prideful about. He pointed to every last tiny flaw and reminded me that I am nothing.

The thing about the devil is that he never wins unless I allow him to win. The Light of my God is more powerful than the darkness of the devil. It takes some time to truly understand that I have the power of Christ in me and that I don't have to be a slave to the devil's games. God has gently shared His unfailing love with me this week and He has some reminiscing of His own. He pushed me to look back at our past together and see that He has never left me or forsaken me. He holds me as one of His beautiful, precious daughters. He has never pointed to my shortcomings or my downfalls. He has only lifted me up to be in His light and to know His joy. He gives me the freedom to make my own choices. When I chose to dance with the devil, I reap the product of that dance. Shame. Depression. Loneliness. Fear. But, when I choose to look up from my circumstance and seek my Lord, I discover the beauty of dancing like David danced. Peace. Love. Joy. Happiness.

Reminiscing about my yesterdays with Nathan is good for my heart. Reminiscing about my yesterdays with God is good for my soul. Reminiscing with the devil is a dangerous dance that I must fight so that I may continue to see the beauty of the salvation offered from the cross. Today I thank the God who loves me without condition for His peace and His gentle reminders not to dance with the devil.

After "I Love You" Comes "I Do"

"I Love You" was just the beginning of a week in Kansas that would change our lives. Despite what many of our friends think, Nathan and I had no inclination that we would be married just seven days after my arrival in Kansas. We had talked at length about having a big wedding with all of our friends and family present once he returned from this deployment to Iraq. We had never mentioned getting married before he left. It wasn't ever part of our plan. God's plans are so often not our plans. His ways are not our ways, and we learned that in a big way on the last day of December 2005.

Once we arrived at the farm on Christmas night, there was a great deal of anticipation for the week ahead. We had not seen one another for four months and we were excited to finally have a bit of time together again. I was anxious to meet the rest of Nathan's family and friends and to see all that Augusta, KS had to offer. (Anyone who has ever been to Augusta, KS would have laughed at the previous remark!) I woke the next morning bright and early and had a nice cup of tea while I chatted with Nathan's mom, Karen. Nathan was still asleep on the air mattress on the living room floor in front of the Christmas tree. His sister-in-law, Robyn, was asleep with her son, Shadrach, in Nathan's room upstairs. I gently woke Nathan, excited about our observed Christmas day festivities. There was so much to look forward to, so much more than we even knew.

We spent the day together as a family, opening presents, sharing stories, and getting to know one another. Members of Nathan's extended family came out to the farm to enjoy a Winzer tradition of homemade soups on Christmas day. It wasn't long before one of Nathan's best childhood friends arrived at the farm and we headed out to the timber to shoot. If you know anything about midwestern farm boys, you know that they love guns and they love tromping around outdoors shooting those guns. If you know anything about me, you know that I equally love tromping around, shooting guns. On December 26th, Nathan learned that he had finally found a woman that he could share his passion with. He looked on with great pride as I lifted the rifle and hit my targets. He smiled the biggest, that's my girl, smile when I held up two dead squirrels for a Kansas photo op. To this day, Nathan loves to zoom in on that photo and point out that I had a perfect french manicure wrapped around those dead squirrel's tails!

I still say that the first day in the timber sealed the deal for Nathan and he knew then that he could spend the rest of his life with me. The truth of our experience is that we love the simple things in life and those things are our priorities. Spending time with friends anf family, enjoying the outdoors, getting dirty in jeans and boots, these are the things we love. Nathan and I are at our best when we're taking things as they come and we're in our element. My favorite picture of us displays the two of us standing under a big tree in the yard. Nathan has two rifles slung over his shoulder. He is wearing jeans and his dusty old Wolverine boots. He has a gentle smile that shows his handsome looks. I am next to him, smaller and shorter, in my favorite jeans and as fate would have it, the same dusty old Wolverine boots, many sizes smaller. I am loosly holding my .357 Magnum in my hand and it rests just along side my leg. We are about to jump into the beat up old truck behind us and roll out into the Timber for another day of target shooting. In fact, we're headed for the "ol' shootin' trailer", a broken down trailer that sits out on the farm that the boys have long used for target practice. That picture tells a story that has no words. It tells of the confidence that we both have when we're together. It tells of how sure we are of one another and of our relationship. That picture tells of a love that is solid and unbreakable. It is a picture of two old souls who have been searching for that one beloved who will complete the circle, who will share this life. That picture says everything I ever needed to know about the man I would marry. That holiday week told us both everything we would need to know to say "I do".

The last week of December 2005 changed everything for Nathan and I and started us on this road that leads to so many unknown joys and so many unknown sorrows. We walked into our time in Kansas hoping to solidify our growing relationship and we left Kansas as husband and wife.

Those Three Words Have My Life In Them

Much of our story is missing here. Much of what makes us fall in love with one another daily and what defines our journey is absent from these writings. It is on joyous days like today that I wish to go back and fill in some of those gaps, to reminisce, to share more of who we are. The journey of waiting on Nathan is not one that would be possible without all of the tiny miracles that preceeded the wait. It is without doubt that I wait for Nathan because I have those miracles that offer confirmation of God's hand in our lives.

I don't know where to begin, or where to pick up the story. I did make that fateful journey to Kansas in December and I was so anxious to go, just as I am anxious for Nathan's return now. I arrived in Kansas after a series of difficult flights and long lines, on Christmas night. I was tired and frazzled. Really, I was too tired to even grasp what I was about to do. I walked off the plane and headed through the terminal to meet my boyfriend's parents and sister-in-law. Though we had spent countless hours on the phone sharing so much of who we are, I had never seen them and they had never seen me. I didn't know what it would be like to see Nathan again. We had been apart for four months after only spending ten days together. Most people thought I was nuts to even travel to Kansas to see Nathan again. I stopped in the ladies' room to freshen up a bit. I brushed my teeth and my hair and put on some lip gloss, peppermint. I took a deep breath and headed for my destiny, my Solomon, my beloved. Our first moment together was a touch awkward. Life isn't a Hollywood film. No matter how romantic the story, there are always awkward moments. Our awkward moments are some of our best in fact. We hugged and it felt good to be back in his arms. I oohed and awed over Nathan's new little nephew and we waited for my luggage while I nestled into Nathan's chest and settled back into being near him again. It didn't take long for our awkward moments to pass. We all piled into the truck and headed for the farm, which I now know as home. The ride was long and it was late. Nathan had thoughtfully set a bag of my favorite baked potato chips and a small wrapped Christmas present in the seat for me. I curled up in his lap and held on to him. We snuggled into one another in silence for much of the ride home. As we turned the corner onto the dirt road that leads to the farm, I whispered my very first "I Love You" in Nathan's ear. I knew then that I would spend my life with this man. I had held those words for some time, just so that I could say them in his presence. I felt him sigh with a sense of belonging and peace and he whispered those little words back to me and pulled me tighter to him.

Those three little words are ones we say as often as possible now. I had no idea on that night, in Kansas, rounding a corner onto an old dirt road, how much those words would mean to me. To quote Alexandrea to her love Nicholas III, "Those three words have my life in them."

End of the Week Frustrations

It seems that every Friday brings a fair amount of frustration for me. I wonder if it comes from the anxiety I feel as I head into every weekend. Free time is very hard for me. Being busy is often all that distracts me from missing Nathan. Every Friday, I spend most of the day nearly in tears just waiting for the day to end so that I can go home and feel all of the things I'm feeling. Every interuption at work sends me a little closer to the edge of reason. I spend Fridays trying to maintain composure and focus on the work at hand.

Despite the fact that we are half way through the month of July, I still feel like there is an eternity between me and Nathan. I am anxious to have him home with me, even if it is just for a time. I want to see him and to touch his face and to feel his arms around me. The longing I have for him just grows every day and I often feel as though I am at the end of my rope. I spend much of my time just going through the motions and it is often a great struggle to feel my connection with God. This is a time in which I am learning how real God is even when I can't feel Him with me. I know that He is here and that He is with me because I am able to make it through this day. I don't always feel His presence in that tangible way but I know He is here. There is a line from a song that I listen to that says, His grace is sufficent for me. The truth is that sometimes sufficent doesn't mean overflowing and abounding. Sometimes it means just that, sufficent. Today, His grace is just what I need to make it through. I don't have a surpluss today. I have just what I need and not an iota more than that. I know that it is days like today, when He has given me just enough, that I learn the most about leaning on Him and trusting in His provision. When I'm riding the waves of abounding grace, I tend to forget that I need His grace. It is easier to take His grace for granted when I have a surpluss. When I am in that place where He has supplied my needs and given me just enough, that is when I realize how close I would be to ruin if I didn't trust in Him or seek Him for my spiritual provision.

I know that a day like today in my life before Christ would result in a lot of bad choices. I know that in my life before Christ, today would be a day that would end with a half a pack of ciggarettes and a beer at a seedy bar. I know that the way I feel to day would have resulted in a long night of seeking comfort and staying out until the bar closed and even later, if I had found the temporary comfort I was looking for. I would have woken tomorrow morning reeking of stale smoke and sour beer. I would have felt more empty in the morning than I did the night before. I would have spent the day hiding from the world only to head back to that seedy bar as soon as the sun went down. I would not have cried. Rather I would have tossed and turned in my state of numbness and continued my search for love and comfort in all the wrong places.

No matter how difficult today might be and how much I miss Nathan, I have peace and I have joy. Most importantly I have Truth. I no longer desire to seek comfort and validation after dark in dark places with dark men. I know that I will get through this night and this weekend without any darkness because I dwell in the Light. I can praise the Lord in my trials because I know what living in the darkness is like. I know that the pain I feel and the tears I shed are volumes more valuable to the Kingdom of God than the numbness I used to rely on. I know that I will wake in the morning refreshed and renewed because I will seek God before bed and I will rest peacefully in His arms tonight. I know that He is with me, even when I can't feel Him because my life is changed and I am a new creation. Only God can do that. Only God can take a numb, lifeless heart and make it beat again with transparency and love. Everything I feel is on my sleeve now. I don't hide and I don't run, I just feel. I'm thankful that I can feel anything at all. I'm blessed that what I feel is the love of a Godly man who misses me just as desperately as I miss him. I'm blessed that God kept me from seeking false comfort in Nathan and guided me to seek Him above all else. In the pain of today, I can see all of the blessings of God and I'm thankful.

Another Day of Violence In the Middle East and Worry in My Heart

Sometimes I wish that Nathan wouldn't tell me when he plans to call. He said they would be back from the mission in time to call me Thursday morning. Thursday morning has come and gone with no contact from Nathan. The news is swarming with escalating violence throughout the Middle East and tensions are rising for many nations. North Korea recently shot a number of test missles into the ocean and Iran is making threats against Israel. Israel and Lebanon have been bombing one another for the past few days and life in the Middle East seems to be hanging in the balance. I am also hanging in the balance until the phone rings. There has been no contact from Nathan for three days now and I'm getting anxious.

I hope that he will call tomorrow morning or this evening. I want to hear his voice, even if it is just for a moment. I need to know that he is okay, that he is safe. Days like these bring me all too close to thoughts of what my life might be like if there is a car sitting in my drive with two uniform officers inside, waiting to recite the script they have practiced so many times. I don't like to drive home on days like these. I don't like to wonder if there will be a knock at my door at 6 am with news from overseas. I need to know that Nathan is okay and I won't have true peace until I'm sure. Peace from the Lord is hard to access on days like today. I know that the Lord holds everything in His hands and that His will will be done. I pray that His will is to bring Nathan home alive and well. I pray that no one is parked in my drive when I pull in this afternoon. I pray that life will continue as it has, at least for today. That's the thing about deployment, all we ever want is to get through today. One more day is what I ask for and tomorrow I will ask again. Nothing is certain and nothing seems safe. Surely, he will call tomorrow...

A Lesson In Chain of Command

I spent the majority of last week rebelling against my chain of command. Having been a soldier myself, I understand the heierarchy of the Chain of Command and the consequences for negelecting to recognize my place in that chain. Now I fall under a spiritual chain of command. God is our head, our perfect, all-knowing leader. Nathan comes next in line and is to answer to God for the choices he makes for our family. I fall under the protection and leadership of Nathan. It is to him that I must defer unless he leads me into sin. This all seems pretty cut and dry and therefore, ought to be quite easy to follow. I never had any trouble staying in my place at the bottom of my military chain of command. Now, I find myself desiring to be at the top of this chain of command.

I spent a full six days in a pout unlike any I have been in for quite some time. I wanted to make the decisions and I needed to know the battle plan for the next year in detail. I wanted to be God, to know the future, to create my path and Nathan's path as well. I was wrought with frustration and anxiety and nothing made me happy or gave me peace. I had stepped out of the chain of command and out of the protection of God's design. I must say that I truly felt vulnerable on every level. I was terrified and frantic. That is when God stepped in and reminded me that I have choices, that I must choose this day whom I will serve, myself or Him. His reminder was gentle and sweet and it worked. Just to make sure it worked, God followed up with a series of wonderful events that continued to remind me who was in control of my life. Not only was I reminded of His great control but also of His great love. He always treats me with a gentle hand, even when I'm completely out of my mind. He used the beautiful testimonies and baptism of 31 people to remind me that He changes lives and performs miracles every day for those who seek and love Him. I saw families reunited and families held together for years by His love. I saw the most beautiful boy with Downs Syndrome profess his love for Jesus. I saw grown men cry in front of strangers as they spoke of their relationship with Christ. I shed tears when a Godly man stood up next to his wife and declared his love for her and his desire to repeat his baptism so that they might share the experience together, as they had shared the last 30 years together. Before my eyes, the Lord gave me 31 beautiful, shining examples of why He is in control and I am not. He showed me that He loves me, even when I'm in full pout. He spent the afternoon teaching me to appreciate what I have now and letting go of what I hope to have for the future. By the end of a day full of lessons from God, I was resting right back where I belong, in His arms. But, God wasn't the only one in my chain of command who I ignored in the past week. God said His piece and taught His lessons for the day but Nathan had some things to say as well.

My dear sweet husband reminded me that God has given us this journey for a purpose. He ever so gently reminded me that while I sit here in the saftey of our home, he must look out for the safety and welfare of his "brothers in arms". He reminded me that I spent many a conversation telling him to trust God for His provision. He scolded me ever so gently and then lovingly told me of his prayers for my peace and safety in his absence. He told me how much he loved and missed me and he reassured me that God knows what is best for us. My leader and my best friend put me gently in my place. I love my place. I am happy and at peace when I am in my place. I am so thankful that I have a Father God who loves me as His child and gently corrects me when I am out of line. I am thankful that I have a leader and a protector who has the same gentle touch and who never corrects without love. I have rarely felt more blessed than I do today. My pride and my ego are bruised and broken, just as they should be. My faith and my love for my God and my husband are soaring, just as they should be. I thank God for His great love and I thank Him for Nathan's great leadership. I thank God that He knows, that He cares, and that He corrects.

Choices

I have spent the last week in pity mode. I hadn't touched my bible until this evening. I hadn't washed a dish or taken out the trash or done the laundry. I hadn't made an entry into this blog. I have had a consistently bad attitude all week. I've been grumpy with everyone, to include my dear sweet husband. I've been filled with doubt and worry and frustration. I've been anxious and irritated. I have blamed the whole week on missing Nathan. The problem is, this week was my fault. We each make a choice each day to seek God or to seek ourselves. I made the choice this week to seek myself and my own desires. I made a choice to stop trusting God for our provision and run the numbers myself. My choices resulted in my attitude and my doubt.

It isn't always easy to choose God. In fact, on most days it is the hardest choice I make. Tonight, I made a different choice and decided to take some time to study followed by some time to write and then some time for prayer. After a period of study, I've come to the conclusion that I have done myself a disservice this week. I turned my focus from God and put it smack dab in the middle of my own crazy desires. I have spent an entire week fretting about how we will be able to afford a home on one income. I have turned all of my conversations with Nathan into a tirade of frustrations and scheming. He has gently tried to get me to stop. He has been silly and fun and upbeat all week. Several times he has told me that my scheming isn't going to get us anywhere and I just need to let go. I can't say that I've let go entirely but I'm coming much closer. The thing about letting go is that it isn't a one step process; it is another of those daily choices. I must choose to let go of my own fickle desires each time they arise in me. It is not enough to let go today, only to pick it back up tomorrow. I must lay it down at the foot of the cross each and every time it comes to me. I must recognize that my Lord is my first priority. I must remember that each time I stray from the backdrop of the cross, I feel lost and anxious and confused. I must remember that all that is good in my life came from the Lord and came apart from my plan and my scheming.

Often I come back to my relationship with Nathan to better understand how God works in my life. Nathan was not part of my plan. In fact, he was the farthest thing from my plan. If I had designed my life, Nathan would not be my husband. I don't know a thing about what is best for me. I have no clue about what I need and most of the time I am so fickle I don't even know what I like. (That is evidenced by my giant collection of shoes, most of which I never wear.) The last person on earth or in Heaven who should be making decisions for my life is me. I spent a lot of years doing things my way and it got me into a lot of trouble and a lot of heartache. God knew that Nathan was the man for me. He know that Nathan would hold my life and my heart in his hands and protect me. He knew that Nathan would respect me and honor me and love me until his dying breath. God knew that Nathan was the one man who could effectively lead me and direct me. I, on the other hand, broke up with Nathan over and over and ran from him like the plauge. Nathan did, and still does, scare me. He is honest and upright and he loves me with a strong, steady, unchanging love. He is not my norm and I am so thankful for that. Nathan is the only man I've ever truly trusted with my whole heart. He is the only man I've ever truly trusted with my body. I know that Nathan is in it for the long haul, no matter how nuts I get. God knew all this and I didn't.

God also knows what home He has built for us. He knows how we will pay for that home. He knows the children we will raise in that home. He knows the battles and struggles we will face. He also knows the joys we will experience. I don't know a thing. Why I decided to try to find all the answers this week is beyond me. I don't need answers. I need God. I don't have to choose a home and a mortgage lender. I have to choose God. Life is full of mountains and valleys. Many of my valleys are of my own choosing. Tonight, I'm choosing a mountaintop. I want to grow closer to God. I want to know Him more deeply and lose more of myself. God chose Nathan for me and that is enough of a reason to let go and let Him choose everything else. Tonight, I thank God that I get to make choices and that He always leads me back to the only choice that matters. "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." - Joshua 24:15

Sewer Madness

My plumbing is driving me mad! For the second time in two weeks, the sewer has backed up into my apartment. This time, it happened before I got a chance to take a shower and get ready for my day. I have subsequently called my appointments for the day and cancelled everything. Apparently the water for the whole apartment complex is off until they get this problem fixed, again.

Times like these have a profound affect on how I feel about this deployment. I know that the issue would still be present if Nathan was here, it just seems like maybe it would matter less. I would have still had to cancel my morning plans and I would probably still be just as irritated. I wouldn't have made the call though. Nathan would have called our property manager and discovered the truth of the issue. He would have spent the last 20 mins plunging the shower drain. Once he realized that there was nothing that he could do to fix the issue, he would have made me laugh about it. I'm sure that he would have suggested some gross thing we could do that didn't require me to smell nice. He probably would have suggested that we stay in bed, or snuggle on the couch and watch bad day time TV until the shower became available again. He would have made it better because that is what Nathan does. He grounds me. He reminds me that when things don't go exactly as planned it is an opportunity for us to have a strange little adventure we didn't expect. Ruined plans are often God's gift to us.

Nathan isn't here to make it better. I can't even call him and vent. It is most definitely times like these that make me miss him the most. Mushy couples and chick flicks don't compare the the backed up sewer. Husbands are rarely the romance saturated beings we dream about but they are always the ones who deal with backed up sewers. When I long for romance, I know that is just the fantasy that lives inside of every girl and I can remind myself of that move on. When the sewer backs up for the second time in two weeks, I need my husband. When the spiders decide that the rain is not for them and the infest our ground floor apartment, I need my husband. When the trash bag is so heavy that I have to hoist it up on my hip to swing it over the edge of the dumpster, I need my husband. When the check engine light comes on, I need my husband.

As women, we like to spout off about how we can handle all of that man stuff and we don't need or want any help. I can guarantee you that I entirely disagree with those views. I don't feel weak because I desire to have my loving husband take care of these things. The truth is, he is better at them than I am. He is wired to understand these things more clearly. I can take out the trash, take the truck to the mechanic, kill the spiders, and deal with the plumber. Nathan just does it better. If I could do everything, then what kind of partnership would we have?

Being self sufficent isn't the wonderous experience that the world will have you believe it is. In fact, it isn't the way to a Godly life. Our Lord desires to teach us how to be fully dependent on Him. He asks us to trust Him for everything and tells us that we can do nothing without His hand in our lives. He also asks us to model our relationship with Him in our marriages. I am designed to be dependent, to some degree, on my husband. We are joined together as one. Without him, I am not my best, whole woman and without me, he is wandering in the Garden. God created me to be a helper for Nathan. He gave me skills and talents and a personality that complements Nathan. He designed me to depend on Nathan for many things, to be led by Nathan and to trust Nathan's judgement. For this season in our lives, God has given us this challenge and He asks me to lean on Him in order to meet the demands of this deployment. He has done the same for Nathan. We must both seek God in order to grow in this marriage. Every season of our lives teaches us more about the character of God. Every season teaches us how to grow closer to our Lord. This season, my sewer season, is teaching me an appreciation for the differences in Nathan and I. I am learning how much I do need Nathan in my life and in our home. I look at him differently than I might otherwise. I become more and more greatful for him with each day that passes and with each time that our sewage becomes a part of my day. I look forward to all of the plumbing issues that Nathan will handle when he is finally here. I look forward to appreciating every bag of trash he takes to the dumpster and every oil change and tire rotation he handles. I look forward to a plethera of dead spiders who drew their last breath at the hands of my husband. I also look forward to changed plans and a lazy day in bed with Nathan because we have no water. For now, I thank God for the lessons I am learning and for a new found appreciation of my loving, spider killing husband.

Joe Nathan takes the Pitcher's Mound

For some reason, when Joe Nathan strides up to the pitcher's mound to close a Twins game, I miss my Nathan just a little bit more. I cheer for Joe as if I were cheering for my dear husband. There is something about seeing NATHAN written across his back that draws me to him. Every bad pitch he throws makes me feel for him and every success he has gives me a little personal pride. Joe closed the game tonight. We beat Milwaukee 10-7. Despite this being the 16th win in the last 17 games, I left feeling very melancholy. I want Nathan back, my Nathan, not Joe.

In the sixth inning, a guy sitting in the seats right in front of the suite we were in caught a foul ball. He gripped it tightly and thrust his arm into the air with a giant smile on his face. Then he turned to his girlfriend and gave her a giant victory hug and a sweet kiss. Later in the game I saw him explaining something to her while pointing to the screen displaying the stats of the next guy at bat. She looked at him attentively and seemed to really desire to know more about this game he clearly loves. For them, all is right with the world. They caught a foul ball hit by Twins superstar Torii Hunter. They will probably remember this night for the rest of their lives.

Being the spectator of a moment in progress for a lovely young couple is one of the hardest things about deployment. While the rest of the world continues and couples everywhere share moments that they will carry with them for the rest of time, I wait. Nathan had a saying engraved on a dog tag for me before he left, before we got married even. "We don't remember days; We remember moments." The foul ball couple will remember tonight's moment. The couples who shared a moment with the Kiss Cam will remember. Couples who watched early fireworks snuggled up on this perfectly warm night will remember. I will wait.

On this night of Joe Nathan pitching and another win and many moments to be remembered, I thank God that He knows more than I do, that He is bigger than this wait, than Iraq. I thank Him for giving us another day and I pray that His angels will surround Nathan and return him to me in one solid, beautiful piece. I thank God that we have the moments we have and I pray that we will have many more moments to remember. Tonight, I thank God for Nathan, my soldier, my heart, my best friend, and for Nathan, my closer, the one who pitches a mighty fine ninth inning.

Another Loss

I never expected to be so affected by the loss of soldiers I don't know. Nathan called this morning to let me know that he was okay. He tries to get to me before the news media puts out word that another Minnesota National Guardsman has been killed. Even though I am always relieved to know that Nathan is well, I am exhausted by the news of another loss.

As is true for Nathan, the loss of soldiers so close to home makes us both face the fragile state of our existance. It always sends a thankful chill through my bones to know that God has been so gracious in drawing us both to His side. We don't know how many days we have here on earth. So much of what we learn through this journey is that life carries no guarantees. The assumtions that so many take for granted are distant memories of ours. We don't assume that we will be here to hold hands in rocking chairs on the porch of the family farmhouse when we're ninety. We don't assume that we will both watch our children grow and get married and have children of their own. We hope and pray for these things but we never assume. We live a life in which we must always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. There are no guarantees.

If I could share any message with those who ask me about this war, it would be that we should never take our partner in this life for granted. I often hear women in passing complain about their husbands' bad habits. More alarming for me is the incessant need for many women to talk about their husbands in ways that are not honoring to them. I look at my neat, perfectly organized home and my clean bathroom and it makes me sad. I look at the empty sink and the freshly vacumed carpets and I miss him terribly. I know that husbands come with a certain amount of dirt and a certain lack of knowledge about how to remove that dirt. I know that they create laundry and hefty food bills. I know that they want to watch the football game and spend the early morning hours of the fall season in the woods hunting anything that moves. I know that they have a knack for keeping a vehicle spotless but can't understand why you don't want their dirty feet on the coffee table. I also know that I would trade all of those neat and tidy things and all of that relentless desire to be a woman in control of her home, for just one day with my dirty, football watching, deer hunting husband. I long for just a few hours of having him here, just his presence. I want to see his shoes by the door and his truck in the yard. I want him to kill the spiders and flop his sweaty, dirty, post gym body on my brand new couch. I would give all of the chick flicks in the world to watch just one football game with him. I would love to eat pretzels and pizza and scream at the TV for four hours, if he were here to scream with. The things that we, as women, so often put at the top of our priority list, and in the front of our minds, mean nothing when we spend night after night alone, praying that he will return. My immaculate home is just a stark contrast to my broken heart.

If you encounter this blog and you have a dirty husband who watches too many ball games and gets sweat on your new upholstery, I ask that you thank God for him. Thank God that he is safe in your home driving you mad. Thank God that he gives you that playful glance in between innings or touchdowns. Thank God that he kisses your forehead while you lay sleeping and he sneaks out in his best woodland cammo to shoot at random wood creatures. Lay aside all of that anxiety that rises in you when he isn't exactly what you think he should be and give him a playful glance in return. God has blessed each of us with our partner, for better or for worse, for near or for far, in safety and in danger. Please make your husband your priority tonight and forget about the dishes. They will still be here tomorrow. I pray that I can say the same thing about Nathan. Tonight I thank God for another day of His protective hedge and for His hand in our lives. I thank God tonight for teaching me that Nathan is far more important to me than a home without any dirt. I thank God for all that He teaches us in these trying times. It is in Jesus name...

We Loaded the Kid's Body On the Plane...

"I feel horrible about our conversation tonight... We loaded the kid's body on the plane just before I talked to you."

These are the words my husband wrote to me after a particularly rough phone conversation. We never fight on the phone and we always try to remain upbeat. On that particular night, I needed Nathan to let me lean on him and to empathize with my situation here at home. He was really amped up and speaking rather roughly to me. We weren't meshing well at all. I told him to tone down the testosterone because I couldn't handle it. What Nathan wasn't saying, couldn't say, was that they had just loaded the body of a young soldier from their unit onto the transport plane back to the states. They had draped his coffin with the flag and said their goodbyes.

The truth of this young soldier's death had just hit the news media and I was reeling from the loss of one of our men. It was difficult to hear of a loss so close to home. It truly sent the reality of this war and its possibilities straight through to my bones. I needed reassurance from my husband that he was safe and that his fate would not be death on a battlefield, but rather next to me, in our bed, when we're ninety. Nathan could only bring himself to talk about guns and cars. Those are his saftey zones and he ran to them. I didn't understand why and in the midst of my own fears and misery, I didn't care why. I needed something from him that he wasn't providing and I couldn't cope with that.

Today, nearly two weeks later, I open a letter from Nathan. He spends two thirds of the letter apologizing to me for not being there for me when I needed him and reassuring me that I and our future children will always be his top priority, not guns and cars. Just before he signs off, he leaves me with the truth of the situation that one difficult night. It breaks my heart to know that I did not reach out to my husband and support him because of my own needs. He was truly the one who needed love and reassurance that day. He was the one who put the body of a young comrade into a cargo plane and faced his own mortality. I was just the one reading about it in the headlines.

This letter reminds me that I am not the center of the universe. It reminds me that our time together is fragile and that there are many things in this life of deployment that remain unsaid. It reminds me that my husband is always the first to apologize and to put my needs in front of his own. It reminds me that he is my leader and I should follow his lead. It reminds me that someone out there lost a son and I am blessed to still have the phone calls of my dear husband. This letter reminds me of why we do what we do. Nathan serves his country because he is called by God to do so. Nathan risks his life and faces the truth of his mortality in order to preserve freedom for me and his future children. Nathan serves so that he can keep watch over young soldiers, so he can help to ensure that no more of them will travel home draped in a flag. Tonight, I thank the Lord for Nathan, my soldier and my hero.

Insecurities Surface at the Strangest Times

I never thought I would feel any sort of insecurity about my marriage to Nathan. I know that we are as solid as they come and every day adds a brick to an unbreakable wall of committment formed by this deployment. Yet somehow, in the past week or so, these nagging insecurities have crept up on me.

Having never lived with Nathan before has created this high degree of anticipation in both of us. We both have a year to imagine what it will be like to finally be together. We are realistic and both realize that there will be adjustments to be made and we will struggle through some of the complications of combining two lives. That stuff has never bothered me. Now, all of a sudden, I find myself worried about my ability to be a good wife. I wonder if he will have created such a hype about me that he will be let down when it comes time to actually live with me.

This morning, when Nathan called, I expressed my concerns to him. We share all of our feelings, though we sometimes temper things in order to keep the other from worrying. Nathan assured me that I don't have to be a perfect woman to be his perfect wife. He reminded me that I am his best friend and nothing about that has or will change. I trust him with my whole heart and I have no doubt that this marriage is for life. As I write this, God is reminding me that I choose how to focus my energies. I can choose to call this an insecurity and waste my energy worrying about pleasing my husband or I can focus on learning what the Lord says about being a good and honorable wife. Maybe my problem is a lack of trust in the Lord to mold me into the woman He desires me to be. Maybe my focus needs to be on the Lord's leading and not on the definition of perfection that comes from the world. Maybe my husband doesn't need or want a wife with the best bum on the block and the best meal on the table. Maybe he desires a wife who is faithful in all that she does, not only to him, but to the Lord. Maybe the devil has succeeded at getting my attention focused on the wrong things, not the things of the Lord. Maybe today is the day to realize that and let go of the worries and pick up the things of God.

Today, I thank the Lord for Nathan and I thank the Lord for drawing my attention to what Nathan really needs in a wife and what the Lord really needs in a follower of Christ.

Six Months of Marriage, 13 Days with Nathan

On Friday we will have been married for six months. I cannot believe how quickly that time has gone by. I am so greatful to God for the amazing gift of peace that we have had in these past six months. We have spent 13 days together in six months of marriage. We have been so blessed by the lessons we've learned through this unique situation. I think that each day that we travel on this journey God has given us, we learn more and more about one another. I have learned that Nathan is fully dedicated to me and to our relationship. He is a man who less than a year ago, struggled to have a phone conversation of any length where he actually had to participate. Now, he is a man who can hold an interesting and loving phone call for an hour and a half while he sits in a room with a number of other soldiers. He tells me stories about Iraq on Saturday mornings while I struggle to wake up without being grumpy with him. He calls in between my early morning prayer service and my 10:30 church service on Sundays. On days when he isn't out on a mission, he calls at 6:30 am and we chat while I iron my clothes and let the dog out and eat my breakfast. He talks me through my morning commute and we talk through the very last minute of the 7 am hour in the parking lot of my office. We continue to hold strong to our committment to be joyful and lighthearted during our time together on the phone. I struggle to hang up every single time he calls. Even on the days when we are blessed with two hours on the phone together, I still hang up and feel a sense of loss. I am acutly aware that my husband is not here with me. I spent a great deal of time before I met Nathan coming home to a house only occupied by a dog and it never bothered me. Now every time I enter our apartment, I feel the emptiness wash over me. God has given me the strength and the grace to push on through those feelings and arrive at a place of determination and unbelievable perseverence. I am thankful that I know a God who loves me, who knows me, and who is bigger than the war in Iraq, bigger than the battles we fight, bigger than my emotions, and bigger than the struggles in this journey of being married to Nathan. I am blessed to be on this journey with a man who understands what it is to be a devoted husband, a Godly husband, and my best friend. Thank God for this journey and for Nathan.

Time Flys When You're Waiting On Nathan

It is now nearly the end of June and so much has happened since I last posted. The days go by so quickly I can hardly keep up with life, let alone this blog.

Nathan is doing well but is anxious for his return home for mid-tour leave. We are both learning great lessons about trusting in, and leaning on, the Lord for our strength these days. Nathan has been in Iraq 103 days today. He is out of contact for the time being so I'm just biding my time. October seems infinitely far away right now but I know it won't be long until Nathan is home for a bit.

I've been staying busier than I really ought to. My latest obsession is the Minnesota Twins. We have won 14 of the last 15 games and we are smoking hot right now. I've been going to at least one game a week. It is a nice distraction from all the waiting. I don't know what I'll do without baseball to get me through the second half of this deployment.

Apart from baseball, I have become quite involved with both of our new churches. Since moving to Minneapolis I have been blessed with two very different houses of worship. I sincerely hope and believe that Nathan will love both of these congregations as much as I do. Our Sunday church is Grace Church (www.atgrace.com) in Eden Prairie, MN and our Monday night church is called Corner Church (www.cornerchurch.tv) in downtown Minneapolis. The two are so different and yet have much the same heart. Grace is a church of 5,000 and is very missions and prayer focused. Corner Church is a church of approximately 20 and meets in a coffee shop in the city. The focus of CC is to be throughout the city at many locations, much like a franchise, within walking distance of everyone who lives in downtown Minneapolis. Both of these places feel like home to me and both are offering such amazing support. I'm thrilled to be involved with both of these congregations.

There is so much more going on in our lives right now, and, as usual, I've got no time to write about it all. I'll try to update some more soon. For now, I just thank God for the incredible journey of being married to Nathan.

Long Time, Lots of Change

December 15th is the last time I wrote in this blog. Beginning today, I intend to attempt to fill in the gaps and share all of the incredible happenings of the last 5 months. It will take time and a number of entries, but I will completly tell our story as best as I can. Over the past few months many people have said that I needed to write the story of Nathan and Kelly so that I would not lose any of the intesity or excitement of the events through the tempering of time. I'm not much for pen and paper anymore, but I am dedicated to the importance of keeping a written log of what has happened to us. If for no one else but our grandchildren, I believe it is crucial that we tell this story. God has been so gracious and miraculous in our lives and the work of His hand is prevelent and obvious almost daily as we move together through our adventure.

I began this blog by titling it "Waiting on Nate". I had no idea at the time that our lives together would be so much more than I ever imagined. Nor did I know that Nate really prefers to be called Nathan. If I were to begin this blog today I would title it "Married to Nathan". The new title may lend itself to revealing some of what has happened in the past 5 months but we'll get there shortly, or not so shortly.

This post is designed to reintroduce our story and that is all, so I'll try to stick to the basics. I want to pay homage to the miracle of God in our lives. I want it to be raw and real and I want to infuse the passion and excitement I feel in telling the story, just as I do in living the story. It isn't that I feel that Nathan and I are any sort of special people or that we have done anything newsworthy. The truth of this is that I believe that God has worked miracles right in front of our eyes that are beyond comprehension. He has been so giving and so forgiving and it is real and it is tangible and I just know that I ought to tell the story. In Scripture, Jesus heals a man and tells him to return to his village and tell them of his experience. The bold, basic truth of our lives is that Jesus has done much more than heal our wounds; He has restored us in ways neither of us thought possible. I desire to return to those around me and tell them of my experience in hopes that the Light of Christ is what will be shown and that it will change the hearts and lives of others because God is the center of the story.

If you continue to read this, I believe what you will find is a story of love, dedication, and the truth of what Christ can do in your life. Our story isn't special because of all its twists and turns. Our story is special because Jesus brought two people together for His glory and because, with Christ, the story never ends.