I have spent the last week in pity mode. I hadn't touched my bible until this evening. I hadn't washed a dish or taken out the trash or done the laundry. I hadn't made an entry into this blog. I have had a consistently bad attitude all week. I've been grumpy with everyone, to include my dear sweet husband. I've been filled with doubt and worry and frustration. I've been anxious and irritated. I have blamed the whole week on missing Nathan. The problem is, this week was my fault. We each make a choice each day to seek God or to seek ourselves. I made the choice this week to seek myself and my own desires. I made a choice to stop trusting God for our provision and run the numbers myself. My choices resulted in my attitude and my doubt.
It isn't always easy to choose God. In fact, on most days it is the hardest choice I make. Tonight, I made a different choice and decided to take some time to study followed by some time to write and then some time for prayer. After a period of study, I've come to the conclusion that I have done myself a disservice this week. I turned my focus from God and put it smack dab in the middle of my own crazy desires. I have spent an entire week fretting about how we will be able to afford a home on one income. I have turned all of my conversations with Nathan into a tirade of frustrations and scheming. He has gently tried to get me to stop. He has been silly and fun and upbeat all week. Several times he has told me that my scheming isn't going to get us anywhere and I just need to let go. I can't say that I've let go entirely but I'm coming much closer. The thing about letting go is that it isn't a one step process; it is another of those daily choices. I must choose to let go of my own fickle desires each time they arise in me. It is not enough to let go today, only to pick it back up tomorrow. I must lay it down at the foot of the cross each and every time it comes to me. I must recognize that my Lord is my first priority. I must remember that each time I stray from the backdrop of the cross, I feel lost and anxious and confused. I must remember that all that is good in my life came from the Lord and came apart from my plan and my scheming.
Often I come back to my relationship with Nathan to better understand how God works in my life. Nathan was not part of my plan. In fact, he was the farthest thing from my plan. If I had designed my life, Nathan would not be my husband. I don't know a thing about what is best for me. I have no clue about what I need and most of the time I am so fickle I don't even know what I like. (That is evidenced by my giant collection of shoes, most of which I never wear.) The last person on earth or in Heaven who should be making decisions for my life is me. I spent a lot of years doing things my way and it got me into a lot of trouble and a lot of heartache. God knew that Nathan was the man for me. He know that Nathan would hold my life and my heart in his hands and protect me. He knew that Nathan would respect me and honor me and love me until his dying breath. God knew that Nathan was the one man who could effectively lead me and direct me. I, on the other hand, broke up with Nathan over and over and ran from him like the plauge. Nathan did, and still does, scare me. He is honest and upright and he loves me with a strong, steady, unchanging love. He is not my norm and I am so thankful for that. Nathan is the only man I've ever truly trusted with my whole heart. He is the only man I've ever truly trusted with my body. I know that Nathan is in it for the long haul, no matter how nuts I get. God knew all this and I didn't.
God also knows what home He has built for us. He knows how we will pay for that home. He knows the children we will raise in that home. He knows the battles and struggles we will face. He also knows the joys we will experience. I don't know a thing. Why I decided to try to find all the answers this week is beyond me. I don't need answers. I need God. I don't have to choose a home and a mortgage lender. I have to choose God. Life is full of mountains and valleys. Many of my valleys are of my own choosing. Tonight, I'm choosing a mountaintop. I want to grow closer to God. I want to know Him more deeply and lose more of myself. God chose Nathan for me and that is enough of a reason to let go and let Him choose everything else. Tonight, I thank God that I get to make choices and that He always leads me back to the only choice that matters. "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." - Joshua 24:15
