I spent the majority of last week rebelling against my chain of command. Having been a soldier myself, I understand the heierarchy of the Chain of Command and the consequences for negelecting to recognize my place in that chain. Now I fall under a spiritual chain of command. God is our head, our perfect, all-knowing leader. Nathan comes next in line and is to answer to God for the choices he makes for our family. I fall under the protection and leadership of Nathan. It is to him that I must defer unless he leads me into sin. This all seems pretty cut and dry and therefore, ought to be quite easy to follow. I never had any trouble staying in my place at the bottom of my military chain of command. Now, I find myself desiring to be at the top of this chain of command.
I spent a full six days in a pout unlike any I have been in for quite some time. I wanted to make the decisions and I needed to know the battle plan for the next year in detail. I wanted to be God, to know the future, to create my path and Nathan's path as well. I was wrought with frustration and anxiety and nothing made me happy or gave me peace. I had stepped out of the chain of command and out of the protection of God's design. I must say that I truly felt vulnerable on every level. I was terrified and frantic. That is when God stepped in and reminded me that I have choices, that I must choose this day whom I will serve, myself or Him. His reminder was gentle and sweet and it worked. Just to make sure it worked, God followed up with a series of wonderful events that continued to remind me who was in control of my life. Not only was I reminded of His great control but also of His great love. He always treats me with a gentle hand, even when I'm completely out of my mind. He used the beautiful testimonies and baptism of 31 people to remind me that He changes lives and performs miracles every day for those who seek and love Him. I saw families reunited and families held together for years by His love. I saw the most beautiful boy with Downs Syndrome profess his love for Jesus. I saw grown men cry in front of strangers as they spoke of their relationship with Christ. I shed tears when a Godly man stood up next to his wife and declared his love for her and his desire to repeat his baptism so that they might share the experience together, as they had shared the last 30 years together. Before my eyes, the Lord gave me 31 beautiful, shining examples of why He is in control and I am not. He showed me that He loves me, even when I'm in full pout. He spent the afternoon teaching me to appreciate what I have now and letting go of what I hope to have for the future. By the end of a day full of lessons from God, I was resting right back where I belong, in His arms. But, God wasn't the only one in my chain of command who I ignored in the past week. God said His piece and taught His lessons for the day but Nathan had some things to say as well.
My dear sweet husband reminded me that God has given us this journey for a purpose. He ever so gently reminded me that while I sit here in the saftey of our home, he must look out for the safety and welfare of his "brothers in arms". He reminded me that I spent many a conversation telling him to trust God for His provision. He scolded me ever so gently and then lovingly told me of his prayers for my peace and safety in his absence. He told me how much he loved and missed me and he reassured me that God knows what is best for us. My leader and my best friend put me gently in my place. I love my place. I am happy and at peace when I am in my place. I am so thankful that I have a Father God who loves me as His child and gently corrects me when I am out of line. I am thankful that I have a leader and a protector who has the same gentle touch and who never corrects without love. I have rarely felt more blessed than I do today. My pride and my ego are bruised and broken, just as they should be. My faith and my love for my God and my husband are soaring, just as they should be. I thank God for His great love and I thank Him for Nathan's great leadership. I thank God that He knows, that He cares, and that He corrects.
