Another Loss

I never expected to be so affected by the loss of soldiers I don't know. Nathan called this morning to let me know that he was okay. He tries to get to me before the news media puts out word that another Minnesota National Guardsman has been killed. Even though I am always relieved to know that Nathan is well, I am exhausted by the news of another loss.

As is true for Nathan, the loss of soldiers so close to home makes us both face the fragile state of our existance. It always sends a thankful chill through my bones to know that God has been so gracious in drawing us both to His side. We don't know how many days we have here on earth. So much of what we learn through this journey is that life carries no guarantees. The assumtions that so many take for granted are distant memories of ours. We don't assume that we will be here to hold hands in rocking chairs on the porch of the family farmhouse when we're ninety. We don't assume that we will both watch our children grow and get married and have children of their own. We hope and pray for these things but we never assume. We live a life in which we must always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. There are no guarantees.

If I could share any message with those who ask me about this war, it would be that we should never take our partner in this life for granted. I often hear women in passing complain about their husbands' bad habits. More alarming for me is the incessant need for many women to talk about their husbands in ways that are not honoring to them. I look at my neat, perfectly organized home and my clean bathroom and it makes me sad. I look at the empty sink and the freshly vacumed carpets and I miss him terribly. I know that husbands come with a certain amount of dirt and a certain lack of knowledge about how to remove that dirt. I know that they create laundry and hefty food bills. I know that they want to watch the football game and spend the early morning hours of the fall season in the woods hunting anything that moves. I know that they have a knack for keeping a vehicle spotless but can't understand why you don't want their dirty feet on the coffee table. I also know that I would trade all of those neat and tidy things and all of that relentless desire to be a woman in control of her home, for just one day with my dirty, football watching, deer hunting husband. I long for just a few hours of having him here, just his presence. I want to see his shoes by the door and his truck in the yard. I want him to kill the spiders and flop his sweaty, dirty, post gym body on my brand new couch. I would give all of the chick flicks in the world to watch just one football game with him. I would love to eat pretzels and pizza and scream at the TV for four hours, if he were here to scream with. The things that we, as women, so often put at the top of our priority list, and in the front of our minds, mean nothing when we spend night after night alone, praying that he will return. My immaculate home is just a stark contrast to my broken heart.

If you encounter this blog and you have a dirty husband who watches too many ball games and gets sweat on your new upholstery, I ask that you thank God for him. Thank God that he is safe in your home driving you mad. Thank God that he gives you that playful glance in between innings or touchdowns. Thank God that he kisses your forehead while you lay sleeping and he sneaks out in his best woodland cammo to shoot at random wood creatures. Lay aside all of that anxiety that rises in you when he isn't exactly what you think he should be and give him a playful glance in return. God has blessed each of us with our partner, for better or for worse, for near or for far, in safety and in danger. Please make your husband your priority tonight and forget about the dishes. They will still be here tomorrow. I pray that I can say the same thing about Nathan. Tonight I thank God for another day of His protective hedge and for His hand in our lives. I thank God tonight for teaching me that Nathan is far more important to me than a home without any dirt. I thank God for all that He teaches us in these trying times. It is in Jesus name...

We Loaded the Kid's Body On the Plane...

"I feel horrible about our conversation tonight... We loaded the kid's body on the plane just before I talked to you."

These are the words my husband wrote to me after a particularly rough phone conversation. We never fight on the phone and we always try to remain upbeat. On that particular night, I needed Nathan to let me lean on him and to empathize with my situation here at home. He was really amped up and speaking rather roughly to me. We weren't meshing well at all. I told him to tone down the testosterone because I couldn't handle it. What Nathan wasn't saying, couldn't say, was that they had just loaded the body of a young soldier from their unit onto the transport plane back to the states. They had draped his coffin with the flag and said their goodbyes.

The truth of this young soldier's death had just hit the news media and I was reeling from the loss of one of our men. It was difficult to hear of a loss so close to home. It truly sent the reality of this war and its possibilities straight through to my bones. I needed reassurance from my husband that he was safe and that his fate would not be death on a battlefield, but rather next to me, in our bed, when we're ninety. Nathan could only bring himself to talk about guns and cars. Those are his saftey zones and he ran to them. I didn't understand why and in the midst of my own fears and misery, I didn't care why. I needed something from him that he wasn't providing and I couldn't cope with that.

Today, nearly two weeks later, I open a letter from Nathan. He spends two thirds of the letter apologizing to me for not being there for me when I needed him and reassuring me that I and our future children will always be his top priority, not guns and cars. Just before he signs off, he leaves me with the truth of the situation that one difficult night. It breaks my heart to know that I did not reach out to my husband and support him because of my own needs. He was truly the one who needed love and reassurance that day. He was the one who put the body of a young comrade into a cargo plane and faced his own mortality. I was just the one reading about it in the headlines.

This letter reminds me that I am not the center of the universe. It reminds me that our time together is fragile and that there are many things in this life of deployment that remain unsaid. It reminds me that my husband is always the first to apologize and to put my needs in front of his own. It reminds me that he is my leader and I should follow his lead. It reminds me that someone out there lost a son and I am blessed to still have the phone calls of my dear husband. This letter reminds me of why we do what we do. Nathan serves his country because he is called by God to do so. Nathan risks his life and faces the truth of his mortality in order to preserve freedom for me and his future children. Nathan serves so that he can keep watch over young soldiers, so he can help to ensure that no more of them will travel home draped in a flag. Tonight, I thank the Lord for Nathan, my soldier and my hero.

Insecurities Surface at the Strangest Times

I never thought I would feel any sort of insecurity about my marriage to Nathan. I know that we are as solid as they come and every day adds a brick to an unbreakable wall of committment formed by this deployment. Yet somehow, in the past week or so, these nagging insecurities have crept up on me.

Having never lived with Nathan before has created this high degree of anticipation in both of us. We both have a year to imagine what it will be like to finally be together. We are realistic and both realize that there will be adjustments to be made and we will struggle through some of the complications of combining two lives. That stuff has never bothered me. Now, all of a sudden, I find myself worried about my ability to be a good wife. I wonder if he will have created such a hype about me that he will be let down when it comes time to actually live with me.

This morning, when Nathan called, I expressed my concerns to him. We share all of our feelings, though we sometimes temper things in order to keep the other from worrying. Nathan assured me that I don't have to be a perfect woman to be his perfect wife. He reminded me that I am his best friend and nothing about that has or will change. I trust him with my whole heart and I have no doubt that this marriage is for life. As I write this, God is reminding me that I choose how to focus my energies. I can choose to call this an insecurity and waste my energy worrying about pleasing my husband or I can focus on learning what the Lord says about being a good and honorable wife. Maybe my problem is a lack of trust in the Lord to mold me into the woman He desires me to be. Maybe my focus needs to be on the Lord's leading and not on the definition of perfection that comes from the world. Maybe my husband doesn't need or want a wife with the best bum on the block and the best meal on the table. Maybe he desires a wife who is faithful in all that she does, not only to him, but to the Lord. Maybe the devil has succeeded at getting my attention focused on the wrong things, not the things of the Lord. Maybe today is the day to realize that and let go of the worries and pick up the things of God.

Today, I thank the Lord for Nathan and I thank the Lord for drawing my attention to what Nathan really needs in a wife and what the Lord really needs in a follower of Christ.

Six Months of Marriage, 13 Days with Nathan

On Friday we will have been married for six months. I cannot believe how quickly that time has gone by. I am so greatful to God for the amazing gift of peace that we have had in these past six months. We have spent 13 days together in six months of marriage. We have been so blessed by the lessons we've learned through this unique situation. I think that each day that we travel on this journey God has given us, we learn more and more about one another. I have learned that Nathan is fully dedicated to me and to our relationship. He is a man who less than a year ago, struggled to have a phone conversation of any length where he actually had to participate. Now, he is a man who can hold an interesting and loving phone call for an hour and a half while he sits in a room with a number of other soldiers. He tells me stories about Iraq on Saturday mornings while I struggle to wake up without being grumpy with him. He calls in between my early morning prayer service and my 10:30 church service on Sundays. On days when he isn't out on a mission, he calls at 6:30 am and we chat while I iron my clothes and let the dog out and eat my breakfast. He talks me through my morning commute and we talk through the very last minute of the 7 am hour in the parking lot of my office. We continue to hold strong to our committment to be joyful and lighthearted during our time together on the phone. I struggle to hang up every single time he calls. Even on the days when we are blessed with two hours on the phone together, I still hang up and feel a sense of loss. I am acutly aware that my husband is not here with me. I spent a great deal of time before I met Nathan coming home to a house only occupied by a dog and it never bothered me. Now every time I enter our apartment, I feel the emptiness wash over me. God has given me the strength and the grace to push on through those feelings and arrive at a place of determination and unbelievable perseverence. I am thankful that I know a God who loves me, who knows me, and who is bigger than the war in Iraq, bigger than the battles we fight, bigger than my emotions, and bigger than the struggles in this journey of being married to Nathan. I am blessed to be on this journey with a man who understands what it is to be a devoted husband, a Godly husband, and my best friend. Thank God for this journey and for Nathan.

Time Flys When You're Waiting On Nathan

It is now nearly the end of June and so much has happened since I last posted. The days go by so quickly I can hardly keep up with life, let alone this blog.

Nathan is doing well but is anxious for his return home for mid-tour leave. We are both learning great lessons about trusting in, and leaning on, the Lord for our strength these days. Nathan has been in Iraq 103 days today. He is out of contact for the time being so I'm just biding my time. October seems infinitely far away right now but I know it won't be long until Nathan is home for a bit.

I've been staying busier than I really ought to. My latest obsession is the Minnesota Twins. We have won 14 of the last 15 games and we are smoking hot right now. I've been going to at least one game a week. It is a nice distraction from all the waiting. I don't know what I'll do without baseball to get me through the second half of this deployment.

Apart from baseball, I have become quite involved with both of our new churches. Since moving to Minneapolis I have been blessed with two very different houses of worship. I sincerely hope and believe that Nathan will love both of these congregations as much as I do. Our Sunday church is Grace Church (www.atgrace.com) in Eden Prairie, MN and our Monday night church is called Corner Church (www.cornerchurch.tv) in downtown Minneapolis. The two are so different and yet have much the same heart. Grace is a church of 5,000 and is very missions and prayer focused. Corner Church is a church of approximately 20 and meets in a coffee shop in the city. The focus of CC is to be throughout the city at many locations, much like a franchise, within walking distance of everyone who lives in downtown Minneapolis. Both of these places feel like home to me and both are offering such amazing support. I'm thrilled to be involved with both of these congregations.

There is so much more going on in our lives right now, and, as usual, I've got no time to write about it all. I'll try to update some more soon. For now, I just thank God for the incredible journey of being married to Nathan.

Long Time, Lots of Change

December 15th is the last time I wrote in this blog. Beginning today, I intend to attempt to fill in the gaps and share all of the incredible happenings of the last 5 months. It will take time and a number of entries, but I will completly tell our story as best as I can. Over the past few months many people have said that I needed to write the story of Nathan and Kelly so that I would not lose any of the intesity or excitement of the events through the tempering of time. I'm not much for pen and paper anymore, but I am dedicated to the importance of keeping a written log of what has happened to us. If for no one else but our grandchildren, I believe it is crucial that we tell this story. God has been so gracious and miraculous in our lives and the work of His hand is prevelent and obvious almost daily as we move together through our adventure.

I began this blog by titling it "Waiting on Nate". I had no idea at the time that our lives together would be so much more than I ever imagined. Nor did I know that Nate really prefers to be called Nathan. If I were to begin this blog today I would title it "Married to Nathan". The new title may lend itself to revealing some of what has happened in the past 5 months but we'll get there shortly, or not so shortly.

This post is designed to reintroduce our story and that is all, so I'll try to stick to the basics. I want to pay homage to the miracle of God in our lives. I want it to be raw and real and I want to infuse the passion and excitement I feel in telling the story, just as I do in living the story. It isn't that I feel that Nathan and I are any sort of special people or that we have done anything newsworthy. The truth of this is that I believe that God has worked miracles right in front of our eyes that are beyond comprehension. He has been so giving and so forgiving and it is real and it is tangible and I just know that I ought to tell the story. In Scripture, Jesus heals a man and tells him to return to his village and tell them of his experience. The bold, basic truth of our lives is that Jesus has done much more than heal our wounds; He has restored us in ways neither of us thought possible. I desire to return to those around me and tell them of my experience in hopes that the Light of Christ is what will be shown and that it will change the hearts and lives of others because God is the center of the story.

If you continue to read this, I believe what you will find is a story of love, dedication, and the truth of what Christ can do in your life. Our story isn't special because of all its twists and turns. Our story is special because Jesus brought two people together for His glory and because, with Christ, the story never ends.

10 Days Until Christmas

Nate and I will be together again for 91/2 days in just 10 short days. I am anxiously awaiting our reunion and I keep running over and over all the things I want to say and all the moments I want to share in those short 91/2 days. There is so much one doesn't want to say to their "other" over the phone. I've held back on so many feelings and thoughts over the past 31/2 months and I need to share those things with Nate during our precious time together. We will soon face seperation once again as we head into the long haul, the deployment to Iraq. God has blessed me with many tasks and many distractions over the next year or so. I know that time will fly and that soon he will be back in my arms for good, or at least until the next deployment. I often look at Nate's picture and wonder what it will be like to look into his eyes again and what it will feel like to hug him and to hold his hand once again. It seems as though our connection has only grown through this time apart. For the first time in my life of sordid love affairs, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. For the first time, I can put my trust in a man. I know that is a true gift from God. Trusting Nate and believing that we will make it to the end of this trial are things that I have never known before. I learned very early on that it isn't wise or safe to trust men. They always leave and when they stay, it just hurts. Nate has shown me that "always" isn't a term one should ever use. He has been strong, faithful, and sensitive and he has never once let me down or turned away from me. I know that his committment is true and that he is an honorable man. I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Once again, my thanks are to God for this incredible journey called Waiting on Nate.

Breaking a Date with Nate

Nate and I have had an interesting history so far. It seems that I've tried to get away from him at every turn. Our first date was special, interesting, and longer than expected. In fact, it was a lot of things I didn't expect. Nate didn't try to kiss me, he didn't even show signs of touching me at all until the small, thanks for the evening hug that he gave me at the end of the night. It was a new thing for me. It was rare to meet a guy who wasn't attempting to move the physical relationship to the next level before the relationship had even really begun. Nate didn't show signs of desiring a physical relationship at all. Spending an evening with a guy who wasn't looking for something I didn't want to give was new to me. It was amazing how special I felt at the end of that first date when Nate gave me a short, gentle hug and said goodnight. I felt like he valued me. Being valued is a scary thing for a girl who hadn't really ever considered her own worth inside of her relationships with others. Nate asked if I would like to see a movie together on Saturday night. Our first date took place on a Wednesday, he was leaving for a week in Washington DC on Sunday. He wanted to spend Saturday with me. I agreed and we decided that we would speak on Saturday and go from there. I thought a great deal about the second date after I left that evening. It seemed pointless to go out with this guy again. I wanted to stay in Vermont and have a family with a man who loved God and wasn't going to go away, ever. I didn't want to face feelings of loneliness and abandonment ever again. I met Nate for the first date assuming that there would never be another date. Why on earth would I agree to go out with him again? What was the point? I called Nate that Saturday and broke our date. There were some old family friends in town and I told him that I wanted to go see them. I did want to see my old friends and they were in town, but I could have had both the date and the friends if I had wanted to arrange things that way. I didn't. I did not want to see Nate again. It wasn't worth the pain and suffering that would ensue. It seemed at the time like Nate would be just another date I went on months ago that never turned into anything.

Despite my desire to avoid another life in the military, Nate's charm and genuine sincerity drew me to agree to that movie afterall. Nate called from DC to tell me that he enjoyed my company and still wanted to take me to a movie when he returned from his commercial shoot. I said yes and I felt okay about seeing him again, excited even. Nate called from the airport in DC before his flight took off to let me know that he was looking forward to seeing me and that he would be back in Vermont in just a few hours. We met for our second date and we went to see a movie that made us both belly laugh for two solid hours. He still did not push physically and I knew there was something special about being with him. It was like he was my oldest friend. That movie date sealed something that I was so afraid of. It convinced me that being with this guy was unlike anything I had ever known and I wanted more. We spent every day together from that point on. We were together every moment that we could spare from that movie until Nate had to leave for Minnesota and his preparation for deployment. In total we had 8 days together after that movie. Nate left just before church on a Sunday morning. Our goodbye was like that of two friends who expect to see one another in a couple of days. No tears, no fear, no trepidation.

Now, almost 3 months later, after a few more attempts to push Nate out of my life out of fear, we have a solid commitment to one another. We've both made the decision to stick to this thing, no matter what the cost. I've committed to this deployment with him and he has committed to patiently dealing with my neuroses and my difficult days as the Lord heals me and teaches me to grow with Him. There is peace from the Lord for both of us and we trust that His hand is on our time together. We believe that God has designed our lives this way. I for one, am quite thankful.

27 Days Until Christmas.

Thanks be to God for this Glorious Journey called Waiting on Nate.

Another Sunday Without Nate

It often seems like I miss him most on Sundays. Sundays are the times when it is most apparent that he is not here. I sit in my usual seat at church and I realize that for the first time in my life, I know that there is supposed to be someone sitting next to me. Each day that passes is another day that I am more and more convinced that Nate is God's chosen one for me. I know that the peace I have comes from the Lord. I know that the next year and a half will come with challenges and joys beyond anything I've known until now. The blessing of Nate is worth every difficult day and every lonely moment. Each day I learn more and more about who Nate is and the quality of his character. I am learning to trust him as I learn to trust God more and more. Nate is showing me that he is a reliable and loving man who will stand by me through the good and bad times. I know that his love is more than a feeling. Just as with Christ, love is not a feeling, it is a way, a life, a walk, a journey. Being committed to one other human being involves the same type of way, it is a walk through this world together. Commitment is a journey in the same direction without wavering, without indecision. My time with Nate has not been based on feelings so much as it has been based on an indescribable knowing. The knowledge that I have an opportunity to truly know and experience this wonderful man of God and to develop a true and lasting relationship with him is what drives me through the times when I miss him and I want to hold him and touch him and talk to him without interruption. I know that the Lord will bless us if we continue to walk in the way that He has directed us. This is the journey we have been given and I am so very thankful for every moment of it. I thank God for each and every day that I am able to continue to seek His will. I thank Him for the companion He has given me in this walk. I am so very grateful today. Even though I miss Nate most on Sundays, I am also reminded of the thankful heart that I have for having been blessed with him in my life.

Thanks be to God for this journey called Waiting on Nate.

Commitment

It seems that we find exactly what we didn't know we were looking for in the most unusual places and in the most unusual people. I didn't expect to have a standing relationship with Nate when I met him. I just thought we were meeting for coffee and a little chat. I was sure I'd be home in an hour or two and I would go on with my life. I was sure that I was going to have an insignifigant coffee date with a guy who wouldn't matter for longer than the hour it would take to finish the date. I knew that getting involved with a soldier was recipie for disaster and that I wasn't up for putting myself in that place again. I had already been married to a soldier and it did not go well. War, deployment, infidelity (mine), indifference (his), lonliness, and fear were not things I wanted to be a part of again. All of these things were things that I associated with being committed to a soldier. I was just going to have coffee with this soldier and that would be the end of it.
We met at 4:30 in the afternoon on a beautiful summer day. We went to my favorite local coffee shop and got Chai to go. We walked down to the waterfront and sat on a bench and talked. We laughed at the "love chase" of a couple of pigeons and we shared our very different lives with one another.
He was a midwestern farm boy with a brother and two parents who still love one another and have maintained 31 years of marriage. He knew about things like guns and tactical warfare and about fields full of sunflowers and soybeans at his family's farm in Kansas. He knew the ins and outs of his job like no one else I'd ever met before. He had grown up with God as his foundation but in recent years had strayed from the path. He was mellow and calm but had a humble confidence about him.
I was from Vermont and had a life of conflict. God had been nonexistant in my life until just months before our meeting. I knew about things like tattoos, dogs, work with a police agency, and messed up family dynamics. We seemed so different, yet we had so very much in common. We shared the Army experience, I a former soldier, he a current one. I liked to listen to his stories about home and he listened to my stories about life with God and about learning to be a part of a family after so many years without one. What was supposed to be a short coffee date progressed into dinner when both of our prior plans fell through. We sat outside and had pub food while watching the summer crowds in the local marketplace. We talked and talked and talked until a one hour date turned into a six hour date. This evening began our story, our history.

Now, three months later, I look at where we've come and what we've faced together. It has been such a short time yet we have grown so very much. I am beginning to see how genuine and considerate Nate really is. I'm beginning to understand that the kindness and paitence he has are not things for show but are qualities that are deeply ingrained in who he is. I'm learning that he is the first man in my life, aside from my grandfather, whom I can truly trust. The Lord is doing amazing works in my heart and is slowly replacing my brokenness with an understanding of forgiveness and trust. Nate is calm and comforting through this incredibly difficult process of restoration. He is teaching me daily to trust in the Lord and to believe that both he and God care for me and will not desert me. I can feel God's hand in our time together and I know that the strength that God gives us will sustain us in the journey ahead.

Thanks be to God for this journey called Waiting on Nate.

38 Days Until Christmas

Today is the first day of this blog. I've spent a considerable amount of time reading others' thoughts on their blogs and realizing that this is an interesting form of written release for those who make good use of this medium. It seems that when people are encountering a difficult challenge or a major life change, they tap into the blog medium in order to sort out their thoughts. It seems as though it often does not matter who reads the blog as much as it matters to have a safe place to peacefully download one's thoughts where judgement does not exist.

I am at an interesting crossroads in my life. I've been through a long line of trials to finally realize that what I was searching for was always right there with me, waiting for me to turn to Him. I've turned, and now He is teaching me how to live a life with Him and how to allow Him to change my heart. With that about face, followed by a difficult and rewarding walk, He has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.
One of these incredible blessings is the relationship that I've been given. The Lord has blessed me with the friendship and companionship of a sweet and wonderful guy named Nate. As you can tell by the title of this blog, it turns out that with the blessing of Nate comes the challenge of the Army National Guard and a nation at war. Nate is seving his country as a soldier. Just a short time after we met and knew that we were to be together and that God had led us to one another, Nate left for mobilization in Mississippi. The mobilization will take 6 months, two and a half of which are already over. Then Nate will deploy to Iraq where he will spend one year working, serving, fighting for our nation. This blog is intended to be my sanity for the next 18 months.
It seems sometimes that the people in one's life, although very loving and supportive, can not understand where one is at. It turns out that I am a writer of sorts. My thoughts only come out in a way that is healing and complete when I write them. I spend hours talking with friends and family and yet, I don't get it all out. I am influenced by their thoughts and their reactions. I cannot be entirely honest with myself unless I write. I know that the desire to write all of my frustrations and heartache surrounding this wait of mine has been incredibly strong. It isn't fair for me to write all of those thoughts to Nate. For now, he should be shielded from my hurts for the most part. He needs to be focused and his heart desires to turn towards God and towards his mission in Iraq. My sadness, lonliness, frustration, and hurt would be burdens to that focus if I laid them all on Nate. In prayer, I lay them at the foot of the cross of my Lord and I know that He is the reason I have any peace at all. Yet, after that, I still feel like I need to write it all down. So here I am.
The next 18 months will be chronicled here in this little blog. The joys and sorrows of this long road ahead will be a tiny piece of this vast world of internet information. Maybe, in a very comforting way, my thoughts can be lost here and left here. Maybe the Lord has given me the desire to write so that I can be released from the difficult times and reflect on the wonderous ones.
If you are a reader of this journey, thank you for sharing this part of my life with me. If you pray, add Nate to your list.

38 days until we see one another in Kansas for Nate's block leave.

Thanks be to God for the gift of this journey called Waiting on Nate.