I never thought I would feel any sort of insecurity about my marriage to Nathan. I know that we are as solid as they come and every day adds a brick to an unbreakable wall of committment formed by this deployment. Yet somehow, in the past week or so, these nagging insecurities have crept up on me.
Having never lived with Nathan before has created this high degree of anticipation in both of us. We both have a year to imagine what it will be like to finally be together. We are realistic and both realize that there will be adjustments to be made and we will struggle through some of the complications of combining two lives. That stuff has never bothered me. Now, all of a sudden, I find myself worried about my ability to be a good wife. I wonder if he will have created such a hype about me that he will be let down when it comes time to actually live with me.
This morning, when Nathan called, I expressed my concerns to him. We share all of our feelings, though we sometimes temper things in order to keep the other from worrying. Nathan assured me that I don't have to be a perfect woman to be his perfect wife. He reminded me that I am his best friend and nothing about that has or will change. I trust him with my whole heart and I have no doubt that this marriage is for life. As I write this, God is reminding me that I choose how to focus my energies. I can choose to call this an insecurity and waste my energy worrying about pleasing my husband or I can focus on learning what the Lord says about being a good and honorable wife. Maybe my problem is a lack of trust in the Lord to mold me into the woman He desires me to be. Maybe my focus needs to be on the Lord's leading and not on the definition of perfection that comes from the world. Maybe my husband doesn't need or want a wife with the best bum on the block and the best meal on the table. Maybe he desires a wife who is faithful in all that she does, not only to him, but to the Lord. Maybe the devil has succeeded at getting my attention focused on the wrong things, not the things of the Lord. Maybe today is the day to realize that and let go of the worries and pick up the things of God.
Today, I thank the Lord for Nathan and I thank the Lord for drawing my attention to what Nathan really needs in a wife and what the Lord really needs in a follower of Christ.
