Reminiscing is often an escape from the reality of today. Nathan and I have so many yesterdays that we cherish and so many todays that we struggle through. Just when I think I've got my sadness beat and I can roll through this deployment full of the joy of the Lord, I'm on my face again in tears asking for help to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes God works like that. Our pride puts us in a space where we don't think we need to lean on God for our provision and our joy. We think we've got it all worked out. We praise Him for getting us to a point where we don't need Him. We think that because He has helped us through the day and we're feeling good, that we don't need to seek Him each and every day. Just when I hit that place of pride in my ability to handle this deployment, I am knocked clean on my backside by my pain.
I've noticed this week that the devil also likes to reminisce. He likes to kick me when I'm down and take me back to every insecurity I've ever had. He has been successful this week at reminding me that I cannot be loved unless I am perfect. He spat on my already broken heart and told me over and over that I must earn the love of God. He has driven me to tears with thoughts of losing Nathan to my imperfections. He took advantage of my pride and reminded me that I have nothing to be prideful about. He pointed to every last tiny flaw and reminded me that I am nothing.
The thing about the devil is that he never wins unless I allow him to win. The Light of my God is more powerful than the darkness of the devil. It takes some time to truly understand that I have the power of Christ in me and that I don't have to be a slave to the devil's games. God has gently shared His unfailing love with me this week and He has some reminiscing of His own. He pushed me to look back at our past together and see that He has never left me or forsaken me. He holds me as one of His beautiful, precious daughters. He has never pointed to my shortcomings or my downfalls. He has only lifted me up to be in His light and to know His joy. He gives me the freedom to make my own choices. When I chose to dance with the devil, I reap the product of that dance. Shame. Depression. Loneliness. Fear. But, when I choose to look up from my circumstance and seek my Lord, I discover the beauty of dancing like David danced. Peace. Love. Joy. Happiness.
Reminiscing about my yesterdays with Nathan is good for my heart. Reminiscing about my yesterdays with God is good for my soul. Reminiscing with the devil is a dangerous dance that I must fight so that I may continue to see the beauty of the salvation offered from the cross. Today I thank the God who loves me without condition for His peace and His gentle reminders not to dance with the devil.
