Reminiscing

Reminiscing is often an escape from the reality of today. Nathan and I have so many yesterdays that we cherish and so many todays that we struggle through. Just when I think I've got my sadness beat and I can roll through this deployment full of the joy of the Lord, I'm on my face again in tears asking for help to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes God works like that. Our pride puts us in a space where we don't think we need to lean on God for our provision and our joy. We think we've got it all worked out. We praise Him for getting us to a point where we don't need Him. We think that because He has helped us through the day and we're feeling good, that we don't need to seek Him each and every day. Just when I hit that place of pride in my ability to handle this deployment, I am knocked clean on my backside by my pain.

I've noticed this week that the devil also likes to reminisce. He likes to kick me when I'm down and take me back to every insecurity I've ever had. He has been successful this week at reminding me that I cannot be loved unless I am perfect. He spat on my already broken heart and told me over and over that I must earn the love of God. He has driven me to tears with thoughts of losing Nathan to my imperfections. He took advantage of my pride and reminded me that I have nothing to be prideful about. He pointed to every last tiny flaw and reminded me that I am nothing.

The thing about the devil is that he never wins unless I allow him to win. The Light of my God is more powerful than the darkness of the devil. It takes some time to truly understand that I have the power of Christ in me and that I don't have to be a slave to the devil's games. God has gently shared His unfailing love with me this week and He has some reminiscing of His own. He pushed me to look back at our past together and see that He has never left me or forsaken me. He holds me as one of His beautiful, precious daughters. He has never pointed to my shortcomings or my downfalls. He has only lifted me up to be in His light and to know His joy. He gives me the freedom to make my own choices. When I chose to dance with the devil, I reap the product of that dance. Shame. Depression. Loneliness. Fear. But, when I choose to look up from my circumstance and seek my Lord, I discover the beauty of dancing like David danced. Peace. Love. Joy. Happiness.

Reminiscing about my yesterdays with Nathan is good for my heart. Reminiscing about my yesterdays with God is good for my soul. Reminiscing with the devil is a dangerous dance that I must fight so that I may continue to see the beauty of the salvation offered from the cross. Today I thank the God who loves me without condition for His peace and His gentle reminders not to dance with the devil.

After "I Love You" Comes "I Do"

"I Love You" was just the beginning of a week in Kansas that would change our lives. Despite what many of our friends think, Nathan and I had no inclination that we would be married just seven days after my arrival in Kansas. We had talked at length about having a big wedding with all of our friends and family present once he returned from this deployment to Iraq. We had never mentioned getting married before he left. It wasn't ever part of our plan. God's plans are so often not our plans. His ways are not our ways, and we learned that in a big way on the last day of December 2005.

Once we arrived at the farm on Christmas night, there was a great deal of anticipation for the week ahead. We had not seen one another for four months and we were excited to finally have a bit of time together again. I was anxious to meet the rest of Nathan's family and friends and to see all that Augusta, KS had to offer. (Anyone who has ever been to Augusta, KS would have laughed at the previous remark!) I woke the next morning bright and early and had a nice cup of tea while I chatted with Nathan's mom, Karen. Nathan was still asleep on the air mattress on the living room floor in front of the Christmas tree. His sister-in-law, Robyn, was asleep with her son, Shadrach, in Nathan's room upstairs. I gently woke Nathan, excited about our observed Christmas day festivities. There was so much to look forward to, so much more than we even knew.

We spent the day together as a family, opening presents, sharing stories, and getting to know one another. Members of Nathan's extended family came out to the farm to enjoy a Winzer tradition of homemade soups on Christmas day. It wasn't long before one of Nathan's best childhood friends arrived at the farm and we headed out to the timber to shoot. If you know anything about midwestern farm boys, you know that they love guns and they love tromping around outdoors shooting those guns. If you know anything about me, you know that I equally love tromping around, shooting guns. On December 26th, Nathan learned that he had finally found a woman that he could share his passion with. He looked on with great pride as I lifted the rifle and hit my targets. He smiled the biggest, that's my girl, smile when I held up two dead squirrels for a Kansas photo op. To this day, Nathan loves to zoom in on that photo and point out that I had a perfect french manicure wrapped around those dead squirrel's tails!

I still say that the first day in the timber sealed the deal for Nathan and he knew then that he could spend the rest of his life with me. The truth of our experience is that we love the simple things in life and those things are our priorities. Spending time with friends anf family, enjoying the outdoors, getting dirty in jeans and boots, these are the things we love. Nathan and I are at our best when we're taking things as they come and we're in our element. My favorite picture of us displays the two of us standing under a big tree in the yard. Nathan has two rifles slung over his shoulder. He is wearing jeans and his dusty old Wolverine boots. He has a gentle smile that shows his handsome looks. I am next to him, smaller and shorter, in my favorite jeans and as fate would have it, the same dusty old Wolverine boots, many sizes smaller. I am loosly holding my .357 Magnum in my hand and it rests just along side my leg. We are about to jump into the beat up old truck behind us and roll out into the Timber for another day of target shooting. In fact, we're headed for the "ol' shootin' trailer", a broken down trailer that sits out on the farm that the boys have long used for target practice. That picture tells a story that has no words. It tells of the confidence that we both have when we're together. It tells of how sure we are of one another and of our relationship. That picture tells of a love that is solid and unbreakable. It is a picture of two old souls who have been searching for that one beloved who will complete the circle, who will share this life. That picture says everything I ever needed to know about the man I would marry. That holiday week told us both everything we would need to know to say "I do".

The last week of December 2005 changed everything for Nathan and I and started us on this road that leads to so many unknown joys and so many unknown sorrows. We walked into our time in Kansas hoping to solidify our growing relationship and we left Kansas as husband and wife.

Those Three Words Have My Life In Them

Much of our story is missing here. Much of what makes us fall in love with one another daily and what defines our journey is absent from these writings. It is on joyous days like today that I wish to go back and fill in some of those gaps, to reminisce, to share more of who we are. The journey of waiting on Nathan is not one that would be possible without all of the tiny miracles that preceeded the wait. It is without doubt that I wait for Nathan because I have those miracles that offer confirmation of God's hand in our lives.

I don't know where to begin, or where to pick up the story. I did make that fateful journey to Kansas in December and I was so anxious to go, just as I am anxious for Nathan's return now. I arrived in Kansas after a series of difficult flights and long lines, on Christmas night. I was tired and frazzled. Really, I was too tired to even grasp what I was about to do. I walked off the plane and headed through the terminal to meet my boyfriend's parents and sister-in-law. Though we had spent countless hours on the phone sharing so much of who we are, I had never seen them and they had never seen me. I didn't know what it would be like to see Nathan again. We had been apart for four months after only spending ten days together. Most people thought I was nuts to even travel to Kansas to see Nathan again. I stopped in the ladies' room to freshen up a bit. I brushed my teeth and my hair and put on some lip gloss, peppermint. I took a deep breath and headed for my destiny, my Solomon, my beloved. Our first moment together was a touch awkward. Life isn't a Hollywood film. No matter how romantic the story, there are always awkward moments. Our awkward moments are some of our best in fact. We hugged and it felt good to be back in his arms. I oohed and awed over Nathan's new little nephew and we waited for my luggage while I nestled into Nathan's chest and settled back into being near him again. It didn't take long for our awkward moments to pass. We all piled into the truck and headed for the farm, which I now know as home. The ride was long and it was late. Nathan had thoughtfully set a bag of my favorite baked potato chips and a small wrapped Christmas present in the seat for me. I curled up in his lap and held on to him. We snuggled into one another in silence for much of the ride home. As we turned the corner onto the dirt road that leads to the farm, I whispered my very first "I Love You" in Nathan's ear. I knew then that I would spend my life with this man. I had held those words for some time, just so that I could say them in his presence. I felt him sigh with a sense of belonging and peace and he whispered those little words back to me and pulled me tighter to him.

Those three little words are ones we say as often as possible now. I had no idea on that night, in Kansas, rounding a corner onto an old dirt road, how much those words would mean to me. To quote Alexandrea to her love Nicholas III, "Those three words have my life in them."

End of the Week Frustrations

It seems that every Friday brings a fair amount of frustration for me. I wonder if it comes from the anxiety I feel as I head into every weekend. Free time is very hard for me. Being busy is often all that distracts me from missing Nathan. Every Friday, I spend most of the day nearly in tears just waiting for the day to end so that I can go home and feel all of the things I'm feeling. Every interuption at work sends me a little closer to the edge of reason. I spend Fridays trying to maintain composure and focus on the work at hand.

Despite the fact that we are half way through the month of July, I still feel like there is an eternity between me and Nathan. I am anxious to have him home with me, even if it is just for a time. I want to see him and to touch his face and to feel his arms around me. The longing I have for him just grows every day and I often feel as though I am at the end of my rope. I spend much of my time just going through the motions and it is often a great struggle to feel my connection with God. This is a time in which I am learning how real God is even when I can't feel Him with me. I know that He is here and that He is with me because I am able to make it through this day. I don't always feel His presence in that tangible way but I know He is here. There is a line from a song that I listen to that says, His grace is sufficent for me. The truth is that sometimes sufficent doesn't mean overflowing and abounding. Sometimes it means just that, sufficent. Today, His grace is just what I need to make it through. I don't have a surpluss today. I have just what I need and not an iota more than that. I know that it is days like today, when He has given me just enough, that I learn the most about leaning on Him and trusting in His provision. When I'm riding the waves of abounding grace, I tend to forget that I need His grace. It is easier to take His grace for granted when I have a surpluss. When I am in that place where He has supplied my needs and given me just enough, that is when I realize how close I would be to ruin if I didn't trust in Him or seek Him for my spiritual provision.

I know that a day like today in my life before Christ would result in a lot of bad choices. I know that in my life before Christ, today would be a day that would end with a half a pack of ciggarettes and a beer at a seedy bar. I know that the way I feel to day would have resulted in a long night of seeking comfort and staying out until the bar closed and even later, if I had found the temporary comfort I was looking for. I would have woken tomorrow morning reeking of stale smoke and sour beer. I would have felt more empty in the morning than I did the night before. I would have spent the day hiding from the world only to head back to that seedy bar as soon as the sun went down. I would not have cried. Rather I would have tossed and turned in my state of numbness and continued my search for love and comfort in all the wrong places.

No matter how difficult today might be and how much I miss Nathan, I have peace and I have joy. Most importantly I have Truth. I no longer desire to seek comfort and validation after dark in dark places with dark men. I know that I will get through this night and this weekend without any darkness because I dwell in the Light. I can praise the Lord in my trials because I know what living in the darkness is like. I know that the pain I feel and the tears I shed are volumes more valuable to the Kingdom of God than the numbness I used to rely on. I know that I will wake in the morning refreshed and renewed because I will seek God before bed and I will rest peacefully in His arms tonight. I know that He is with me, even when I can't feel Him because my life is changed and I am a new creation. Only God can do that. Only God can take a numb, lifeless heart and make it beat again with transparency and love. Everything I feel is on my sleeve now. I don't hide and I don't run, I just feel. I'm thankful that I can feel anything at all. I'm blessed that what I feel is the love of a Godly man who misses me just as desperately as I miss him. I'm blessed that God kept me from seeking false comfort in Nathan and guided me to seek Him above all else. In the pain of today, I can see all of the blessings of God and I'm thankful.

Another Day of Violence In the Middle East and Worry in My Heart

Sometimes I wish that Nathan wouldn't tell me when he plans to call. He said they would be back from the mission in time to call me Thursday morning. Thursday morning has come and gone with no contact from Nathan. The news is swarming with escalating violence throughout the Middle East and tensions are rising for many nations. North Korea recently shot a number of test missles into the ocean and Iran is making threats against Israel. Israel and Lebanon have been bombing one another for the past few days and life in the Middle East seems to be hanging in the balance. I am also hanging in the balance until the phone rings. There has been no contact from Nathan for three days now and I'm getting anxious.

I hope that he will call tomorrow morning or this evening. I want to hear his voice, even if it is just for a moment. I need to know that he is okay, that he is safe. Days like these bring me all too close to thoughts of what my life might be like if there is a car sitting in my drive with two uniform officers inside, waiting to recite the script they have practiced so many times. I don't like to drive home on days like these. I don't like to wonder if there will be a knock at my door at 6 am with news from overseas. I need to know that Nathan is okay and I won't have true peace until I'm sure. Peace from the Lord is hard to access on days like today. I know that the Lord holds everything in His hands and that His will will be done. I pray that His will is to bring Nathan home alive and well. I pray that no one is parked in my drive when I pull in this afternoon. I pray that life will continue as it has, at least for today. That's the thing about deployment, all we ever want is to get through today. One more day is what I ask for and tomorrow I will ask again. Nothing is certain and nothing seems safe. Surely, he will call tomorrow...

A Lesson In Chain of Command

I spent the majority of last week rebelling against my chain of command. Having been a soldier myself, I understand the heierarchy of the Chain of Command and the consequences for negelecting to recognize my place in that chain. Now I fall under a spiritual chain of command. God is our head, our perfect, all-knowing leader. Nathan comes next in line and is to answer to God for the choices he makes for our family. I fall under the protection and leadership of Nathan. It is to him that I must defer unless he leads me into sin. This all seems pretty cut and dry and therefore, ought to be quite easy to follow. I never had any trouble staying in my place at the bottom of my military chain of command. Now, I find myself desiring to be at the top of this chain of command.

I spent a full six days in a pout unlike any I have been in for quite some time. I wanted to make the decisions and I needed to know the battle plan for the next year in detail. I wanted to be God, to know the future, to create my path and Nathan's path as well. I was wrought with frustration and anxiety and nothing made me happy or gave me peace. I had stepped out of the chain of command and out of the protection of God's design. I must say that I truly felt vulnerable on every level. I was terrified and frantic. That is when God stepped in and reminded me that I have choices, that I must choose this day whom I will serve, myself or Him. His reminder was gentle and sweet and it worked. Just to make sure it worked, God followed up with a series of wonderful events that continued to remind me who was in control of my life. Not only was I reminded of His great control but also of His great love. He always treats me with a gentle hand, even when I'm completely out of my mind. He used the beautiful testimonies and baptism of 31 people to remind me that He changes lives and performs miracles every day for those who seek and love Him. I saw families reunited and families held together for years by His love. I saw the most beautiful boy with Downs Syndrome profess his love for Jesus. I saw grown men cry in front of strangers as they spoke of their relationship with Christ. I shed tears when a Godly man stood up next to his wife and declared his love for her and his desire to repeat his baptism so that they might share the experience together, as they had shared the last 30 years together. Before my eyes, the Lord gave me 31 beautiful, shining examples of why He is in control and I am not. He showed me that He loves me, even when I'm in full pout. He spent the afternoon teaching me to appreciate what I have now and letting go of what I hope to have for the future. By the end of a day full of lessons from God, I was resting right back where I belong, in His arms. But, God wasn't the only one in my chain of command who I ignored in the past week. God said His piece and taught His lessons for the day but Nathan had some things to say as well.

My dear sweet husband reminded me that God has given us this journey for a purpose. He ever so gently reminded me that while I sit here in the saftey of our home, he must look out for the safety and welfare of his "brothers in arms". He reminded me that I spent many a conversation telling him to trust God for His provision. He scolded me ever so gently and then lovingly told me of his prayers for my peace and safety in his absence. He told me how much he loved and missed me and he reassured me that God knows what is best for us. My leader and my best friend put me gently in my place. I love my place. I am happy and at peace when I am in my place. I am so thankful that I have a Father God who loves me as His child and gently corrects me when I am out of line. I am thankful that I have a leader and a protector who has the same gentle touch and who never corrects without love. I have rarely felt more blessed than I do today. My pride and my ego are bruised and broken, just as they should be. My faith and my love for my God and my husband are soaring, just as they should be. I thank God for His great love and I thank Him for Nathan's great leadership. I thank God that He knows, that He cares, and that He corrects.

Choices

I have spent the last week in pity mode. I hadn't touched my bible until this evening. I hadn't washed a dish or taken out the trash or done the laundry. I hadn't made an entry into this blog. I have had a consistently bad attitude all week. I've been grumpy with everyone, to include my dear sweet husband. I've been filled with doubt and worry and frustration. I've been anxious and irritated. I have blamed the whole week on missing Nathan. The problem is, this week was my fault. We each make a choice each day to seek God or to seek ourselves. I made the choice this week to seek myself and my own desires. I made a choice to stop trusting God for our provision and run the numbers myself. My choices resulted in my attitude and my doubt.

It isn't always easy to choose God. In fact, on most days it is the hardest choice I make. Tonight, I made a different choice and decided to take some time to study followed by some time to write and then some time for prayer. After a period of study, I've come to the conclusion that I have done myself a disservice this week. I turned my focus from God and put it smack dab in the middle of my own crazy desires. I have spent an entire week fretting about how we will be able to afford a home on one income. I have turned all of my conversations with Nathan into a tirade of frustrations and scheming. He has gently tried to get me to stop. He has been silly and fun and upbeat all week. Several times he has told me that my scheming isn't going to get us anywhere and I just need to let go. I can't say that I've let go entirely but I'm coming much closer. The thing about letting go is that it isn't a one step process; it is another of those daily choices. I must choose to let go of my own fickle desires each time they arise in me. It is not enough to let go today, only to pick it back up tomorrow. I must lay it down at the foot of the cross each and every time it comes to me. I must recognize that my Lord is my first priority. I must remember that each time I stray from the backdrop of the cross, I feel lost and anxious and confused. I must remember that all that is good in my life came from the Lord and came apart from my plan and my scheming.

Often I come back to my relationship with Nathan to better understand how God works in my life. Nathan was not part of my plan. In fact, he was the farthest thing from my plan. If I had designed my life, Nathan would not be my husband. I don't know a thing about what is best for me. I have no clue about what I need and most of the time I am so fickle I don't even know what I like. (That is evidenced by my giant collection of shoes, most of which I never wear.) The last person on earth or in Heaven who should be making decisions for my life is me. I spent a lot of years doing things my way and it got me into a lot of trouble and a lot of heartache. God knew that Nathan was the man for me. He know that Nathan would hold my life and my heart in his hands and protect me. He knew that Nathan would respect me and honor me and love me until his dying breath. God knew that Nathan was the one man who could effectively lead me and direct me. I, on the other hand, broke up with Nathan over and over and ran from him like the plauge. Nathan did, and still does, scare me. He is honest and upright and he loves me with a strong, steady, unchanging love. He is not my norm and I am so thankful for that. Nathan is the only man I've ever truly trusted with my whole heart. He is the only man I've ever truly trusted with my body. I know that Nathan is in it for the long haul, no matter how nuts I get. God knew all this and I didn't.

God also knows what home He has built for us. He knows how we will pay for that home. He knows the children we will raise in that home. He knows the battles and struggles we will face. He also knows the joys we will experience. I don't know a thing. Why I decided to try to find all the answers this week is beyond me. I don't need answers. I need God. I don't have to choose a home and a mortgage lender. I have to choose God. Life is full of mountains and valleys. Many of my valleys are of my own choosing. Tonight, I'm choosing a mountaintop. I want to grow closer to God. I want to know Him more deeply and lose more of myself. God chose Nathan for me and that is enough of a reason to let go and let Him choose everything else. Tonight, I thank God that I get to make choices and that He always leads me back to the only choice that matters. "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." - Joshua 24:15

Sewer Madness

My plumbing is driving me mad! For the second time in two weeks, the sewer has backed up into my apartment. This time, it happened before I got a chance to take a shower and get ready for my day. I have subsequently called my appointments for the day and cancelled everything. Apparently the water for the whole apartment complex is off until they get this problem fixed, again.

Times like these have a profound affect on how I feel about this deployment. I know that the issue would still be present if Nathan was here, it just seems like maybe it would matter less. I would have still had to cancel my morning plans and I would probably still be just as irritated. I wouldn't have made the call though. Nathan would have called our property manager and discovered the truth of the issue. He would have spent the last 20 mins plunging the shower drain. Once he realized that there was nothing that he could do to fix the issue, he would have made me laugh about it. I'm sure that he would have suggested some gross thing we could do that didn't require me to smell nice. He probably would have suggested that we stay in bed, or snuggle on the couch and watch bad day time TV until the shower became available again. He would have made it better because that is what Nathan does. He grounds me. He reminds me that when things don't go exactly as planned it is an opportunity for us to have a strange little adventure we didn't expect. Ruined plans are often God's gift to us.

Nathan isn't here to make it better. I can't even call him and vent. It is most definitely times like these that make me miss him the most. Mushy couples and chick flicks don't compare the the backed up sewer. Husbands are rarely the romance saturated beings we dream about but they are always the ones who deal with backed up sewers. When I long for romance, I know that is just the fantasy that lives inside of every girl and I can remind myself of that move on. When the sewer backs up for the second time in two weeks, I need my husband. When the spiders decide that the rain is not for them and the infest our ground floor apartment, I need my husband. When the trash bag is so heavy that I have to hoist it up on my hip to swing it over the edge of the dumpster, I need my husband. When the check engine light comes on, I need my husband.

As women, we like to spout off about how we can handle all of that man stuff and we don't need or want any help. I can guarantee you that I entirely disagree with those views. I don't feel weak because I desire to have my loving husband take care of these things. The truth is, he is better at them than I am. He is wired to understand these things more clearly. I can take out the trash, take the truck to the mechanic, kill the spiders, and deal with the plumber. Nathan just does it better. If I could do everything, then what kind of partnership would we have?

Being self sufficent isn't the wonderous experience that the world will have you believe it is. In fact, it isn't the way to a Godly life. Our Lord desires to teach us how to be fully dependent on Him. He asks us to trust Him for everything and tells us that we can do nothing without His hand in our lives. He also asks us to model our relationship with Him in our marriages. I am designed to be dependent, to some degree, on my husband. We are joined together as one. Without him, I am not my best, whole woman and without me, he is wandering in the Garden. God created me to be a helper for Nathan. He gave me skills and talents and a personality that complements Nathan. He designed me to depend on Nathan for many things, to be led by Nathan and to trust Nathan's judgement. For this season in our lives, God has given us this challenge and He asks me to lean on Him in order to meet the demands of this deployment. He has done the same for Nathan. We must both seek God in order to grow in this marriage. Every season of our lives teaches us more about the character of God. Every season teaches us how to grow closer to our Lord. This season, my sewer season, is teaching me an appreciation for the differences in Nathan and I. I am learning how much I do need Nathan in my life and in our home. I look at him differently than I might otherwise. I become more and more greatful for him with each day that passes and with each time that our sewage becomes a part of my day. I look forward to all of the plumbing issues that Nathan will handle when he is finally here. I look forward to appreciating every bag of trash he takes to the dumpster and every oil change and tire rotation he handles. I look forward to a plethera of dead spiders who drew their last breath at the hands of my husband. I also look forward to changed plans and a lazy day in bed with Nathan because we have no water. For now, I thank God for the lessons I am learning and for a new found appreciation of my loving, spider killing husband.

Joe Nathan takes the Pitcher's Mound

For some reason, when Joe Nathan strides up to the pitcher's mound to close a Twins game, I miss my Nathan just a little bit more. I cheer for Joe as if I were cheering for my dear husband. There is something about seeing NATHAN written across his back that draws me to him. Every bad pitch he throws makes me feel for him and every success he has gives me a little personal pride. Joe closed the game tonight. We beat Milwaukee 10-7. Despite this being the 16th win in the last 17 games, I left feeling very melancholy. I want Nathan back, my Nathan, not Joe.

In the sixth inning, a guy sitting in the seats right in front of the suite we were in caught a foul ball. He gripped it tightly and thrust his arm into the air with a giant smile on his face. Then he turned to his girlfriend and gave her a giant victory hug and a sweet kiss. Later in the game I saw him explaining something to her while pointing to the screen displaying the stats of the next guy at bat. She looked at him attentively and seemed to really desire to know more about this game he clearly loves. For them, all is right with the world. They caught a foul ball hit by Twins superstar Torii Hunter. They will probably remember this night for the rest of their lives.

Being the spectator of a moment in progress for a lovely young couple is one of the hardest things about deployment. While the rest of the world continues and couples everywhere share moments that they will carry with them for the rest of time, I wait. Nathan had a saying engraved on a dog tag for me before he left, before we got married even. "We don't remember days; We remember moments." The foul ball couple will remember tonight's moment. The couples who shared a moment with the Kiss Cam will remember. Couples who watched early fireworks snuggled up on this perfectly warm night will remember. I will wait.

On this night of Joe Nathan pitching and another win and many moments to be remembered, I thank God that He knows more than I do, that He is bigger than this wait, than Iraq. I thank Him for giving us another day and I pray that His angels will surround Nathan and return him to me in one solid, beautiful piece. I thank God that we have the moments we have and I pray that we will have many more moments to remember. Tonight, I thank God for Nathan, my soldier, my heart, my best friend, and for Nathan, my closer, the one who pitches a mighty fine ninth inning.