10 Days Until Christmas

Nate and I will be together again for 91/2 days in just 10 short days. I am anxiously awaiting our reunion and I keep running over and over all the things I want to say and all the moments I want to share in those short 91/2 days. There is so much one doesn't want to say to their "other" over the phone. I've held back on so many feelings and thoughts over the past 31/2 months and I need to share those things with Nate during our precious time together. We will soon face seperation once again as we head into the long haul, the deployment to Iraq. God has blessed me with many tasks and many distractions over the next year or so. I know that time will fly and that soon he will be back in my arms for good, or at least until the next deployment. I often look at Nate's picture and wonder what it will be like to look into his eyes again and what it will feel like to hug him and to hold his hand once again. It seems as though our connection has only grown through this time apart. For the first time in my life of sordid love affairs, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. For the first time, I can put my trust in a man. I know that is a true gift from God. Trusting Nate and believing that we will make it to the end of this trial are things that I have never known before. I learned very early on that it isn't wise or safe to trust men. They always leave and when they stay, it just hurts. Nate has shown me that "always" isn't a term one should ever use. He has been strong, faithful, and sensitive and he has never once let me down or turned away from me. I know that his committment is true and that he is an honorable man. I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Once again, my thanks are to God for this incredible journey called Waiting on Nate.

Breaking a Date with Nate

Nate and I have had an interesting history so far. It seems that I've tried to get away from him at every turn. Our first date was special, interesting, and longer than expected. In fact, it was a lot of things I didn't expect. Nate didn't try to kiss me, he didn't even show signs of touching me at all until the small, thanks for the evening hug that he gave me at the end of the night. It was a new thing for me. It was rare to meet a guy who wasn't attempting to move the physical relationship to the next level before the relationship had even really begun. Nate didn't show signs of desiring a physical relationship at all. Spending an evening with a guy who wasn't looking for something I didn't want to give was new to me. It was amazing how special I felt at the end of that first date when Nate gave me a short, gentle hug and said goodnight. I felt like he valued me. Being valued is a scary thing for a girl who hadn't really ever considered her own worth inside of her relationships with others. Nate asked if I would like to see a movie together on Saturday night. Our first date took place on a Wednesday, he was leaving for a week in Washington DC on Sunday. He wanted to spend Saturday with me. I agreed and we decided that we would speak on Saturday and go from there. I thought a great deal about the second date after I left that evening. It seemed pointless to go out with this guy again. I wanted to stay in Vermont and have a family with a man who loved God and wasn't going to go away, ever. I didn't want to face feelings of loneliness and abandonment ever again. I met Nate for the first date assuming that there would never be another date. Why on earth would I agree to go out with him again? What was the point? I called Nate that Saturday and broke our date. There were some old family friends in town and I told him that I wanted to go see them. I did want to see my old friends and they were in town, but I could have had both the date and the friends if I had wanted to arrange things that way. I didn't. I did not want to see Nate again. It wasn't worth the pain and suffering that would ensue. It seemed at the time like Nate would be just another date I went on months ago that never turned into anything.

Despite my desire to avoid another life in the military, Nate's charm and genuine sincerity drew me to agree to that movie afterall. Nate called from DC to tell me that he enjoyed my company and still wanted to take me to a movie when he returned from his commercial shoot. I said yes and I felt okay about seeing him again, excited even. Nate called from the airport in DC before his flight took off to let me know that he was looking forward to seeing me and that he would be back in Vermont in just a few hours. We met for our second date and we went to see a movie that made us both belly laugh for two solid hours. He still did not push physically and I knew there was something special about being with him. It was like he was my oldest friend. That movie date sealed something that I was so afraid of. It convinced me that being with this guy was unlike anything I had ever known and I wanted more. We spent every day together from that point on. We were together every moment that we could spare from that movie until Nate had to leave for Minnesota and his preparation for deployment. In total we had 8 days together after that movie. Nate left just before church on a Sunday morning. Our goodbye was like that of two friends who expect to see one another in a couple of days. No tears, no fear, no trepidation.

Now, almost 3 months later, after a few more attempts to push Nate out of my life out of fear, we have a solid commitment to one another. We've both made the decision to stick to this thing, no matter what the cost. I've committed to this deployment with him and he has committed to patiently dealing with my neuroses and my difficult days as the Lord heals me and teaches me to grow with Him. There is peace from the Lord for both of us and we trust that His hand is on our time together. We believe that God has designed our lives this way. I for one, am quite thankful.

27 Days Until Christmas.

Thanks be to God for this Glorious Journey called Waiting on Nate.

Another Sunday Without Nate

It often seems like I miss him most on Sundays. Sundays are the times when it is most apparent that he is not here. I sit in my usual seat at church and I realize that for the first time in my life, I know that there is supposed to be someone sitting next to me. Each day that passes is another day that I am more and more convinced that Nate is God's chosen one for me. I know that the peace I have comes from the Lord. I know that the next year and a half will come with challenges and joys beyond anything I've known until now. The blessing of Nate is worth every difficult day and every lonely moment. Each day I learn more and more about who Nate is and the quality of his character. I am learning to trust him as I learn to trust God more and more. Nate is showing me that he is a reliable and loving man who will stand by me through the good and bad times. I know that his love is more than a feeling. Just as with Christ, love is not a feeling, it is a way, a life, a walk, a journey. Being committed to one other human being involves the same type of way, it is a walk through this world together. Commitment is a journey in the same direction without wavering, without indecision. My time with Nate has not been based on feelings so much as it has been based on an indescribable knowing. The knowledge that I have an opportunity to truly know and experience this wonderful man of God and to develop a true and lasting relationship with him is what drives me through the times when I miss him and I want to hold him and touch him and talk to him without interruption. I know that the Lord will bless us if we continue to walk in the way that He has directed us. This is the journey we have been given and I am so very thankful for every moment of it. I thank God for each and every day that I am able to continue to seek His will. I thank Him for the companion He has given me in this walk. I am so very grateful today. Even though I miss Nate most on Sundays, I am also reminded of the thankful heart that I have for having been blessed with him in my life.

Thanks be to God for this journey called Waiting on Nate.

Commitment

It seems that we find exactly what we didn't know we were looking for in the most unusual places and in the most unusual people. I didn't expect to have a standing relationship with Nate when I met him. I just thought we were meeting for coffee and a little chat. I was sure I'd be home in an hour or two and I would go on with my life. I was sure that I was going to have an insignifigant coffee date with a guy who wouldn't matter for longer than the hour it would take to finish the date. I knew that getting involved with a soldier was recipie for disaster and that I wasn't up for putting myself in that place again. I had already been married to a soldier and it did not go well. War, deployment, infidelity (mine), indifference (his), lonliness, and fear were not things I wanted to be a part of again. All of these things were things that I associated with being committed to a soldier. I was just going to have coffee with this soldier and that would be the end of it.
We met at 4:30 in the afternoon on a beautiful summer day. We went to my favorite local coffee shop and got Chai to go. We walked down to the waterfront and sat on a bench and talked. We laughed at the "love chase" of a couple of pigeons and we shared our very different lives with one another.
He was a midwestern farm boy with a brother and two parents who still love one another and have maintained 31 years of marriage. He knew about things like guns and tactical warfare and about fields full of sunflowers and soybeans at his family's farm in Kansas. He knew the ins and outs of his job like no one else I'd ever met before. He had grown up with God as his foundation but in recent years had strayed from the path. He was mellow and calm but had a humble confidence about him.
I was from Vermont and had a life of conflict. God had been nonexistant in my life until just months before our meeting. I knew about things like tattoos, dogs, work with a police agency, and messed up family dynamics. We seemed so different, yet we had so very much in common. We shared the Army experience, I a former soldier, he a current one. I liked to listen to his stories about home and he listened to my stories about life with God and about learning to be a part of a family after so many years without one. What was supposed to be a short coffee date progressed into dinner when both of our prior plans fell through. We sat outside and had pub food while watching the summer crowds in the local marketplace. We talked and talked and talked until a one hour date turned into a six hour date. This evening began our story, our history.

Now, three months later, I look at where we've come and what we've faced together. It has been such a short time yet we have grown so very much. I am beginning to see how genuine and considerate Nate really is. I'm beginning to understand that the kindness and paitence he has are not things for show but are qualities that are deeply ingrained in who he is. I'm learning that he is the first man in my life, aside from my grandfather, whom I can truly trust. The Lord is doing amazing works in my heart and is slowly replacing my brokenness with an understanding of forgiveness and trust. Nate is calm and comforting through this incredibly difficult process of restoration. He is teaching me daily to trust in the Lord and to believe that both he and God care for me and will not desert me. I can feel God's hand in our time together and I know that the strength that God gives us will sustain us in the journey ahead.

Thanks be to God for this journey called Waiting on Nate.

38 Days Until Christmas

Today is the first day of this blog. I've spent a considerable amount of time reading others' thoughts on their blogs and realizing that this is an interesting form of written release for those who make good use of this medium. It seems that when people are encountering a difficult challenge or a major life change, they tap into the blog medium in order to sort out their thoughts. It seems as though it often does not matter who reads the blog as much as it matters to have a safe place to peacefully download one's thoughts where judgement does not exist.

I am at an interesting crossroads in my life. I've been through a long line of trials to finally realize that what I was searching for was always right there with me, waiting for me to turn to Him. I've turned, and now He is teaching me how to live a life with Him and how to allow Him to change my heart. With that about face, followed by a difficult and rewarding walk, He has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.
One of these incredible blessings is the relationship that I've been given. The Lord has blessed me with the friendship and companionship of a sweet and wonderful guy named Nate. As you can tell by the title of this blog, it turns out that with the blessing of Nate comes the challenge of the Army National Guard and a nation at war. Nate is seving his country as a soldier. Just a short time after we met and knew that we were to be together and that God had led us to one another, Nate left for mobilization in Mississippi. The mobilization will take 6 months, two and a half of which are already over. Then Nate will deploy to Iraq where he will spend one year working, serving, fighting for our nation. This blog is intended to be my sanity for the next 18 months.
It seems sometimes that the people in one's life, although very loving and supportive, can not understand where one is at. It turns out that I am a writer of sorts. My thoughts only come out in a way that is healing and complete when I write them. I spend hours talking with friends and family and yet, I don't get it all out. I am influenced by their thoughts and their reactions. I cannot be entirely honest with myself unless I write. I know that the desire to write all of my frustrations and heartache surrounding this wait of mine has been incredibly strong. It isn't fair for me to write all of those thoughts to Nate. For now, he should be shielded from my hurts for the most part. He needs to be focused and his heart desires to turn towards God and towards his mission in Iraq. My sadness, lonliness, frustration, and hurt would be burdens to that focus if I laid them all on Nate. In prayer, I lay them at the foot of the cross of my Lord and I know that He is the reason I have any peace at all. Yet, after that, I still feel like I need to write it all down. So here I am.
The next 18 months will be chronicled here in this little blog. The joys and sorrows of this long road ahead will be a tiny piece of this vast world of internet information. Maybe, in a very comforting way, my thoughts can be lost here and left here. Maybe the Lord has given me the desire to write so that I can be released from the difficult times and reflect on the wonderous ones.
If you are a reader of this journey, thank you for sharing this part of my life with me. If you pray, add Nate to your list.

38 days until we see one another in Kansas for Nate's block leave.

Thanks be to God for the gift of this journey called Waiting on Nate.