I find lately that I am living in the year 2008, if only in my own head. Being away from Nathan has taken it's toll and I don't want to think of anything other than a life that has him present in it. I want the deployment to be over and I want OCS to be done and gone. I want to be in his arms tonight, cuddled up in our bed. Instead, I am here at the end of 2006, unable to sleep despite it being way past my bedtime. In three days, our best friend, Leland will arrive in Minnesota to help me load the trailer and drive to Kansas. It is time to move again and I'm left with the same feelings. No matter where I go, Nathan isn't there. At the very least in Kansas there will be people who know him, or who knew him once upon a time. There are people there who miss him and who pray for him. His family is there and I know that they will help me through the next year and a half of ups and downs with Nathan coming in and out of our lives as he progresses through the demands of this career. I know, and have always known, that being a soldier is what is best for Nathan and for our family. He is just crafted to be a soldier and he is the best soldier I have ever known. I also know that I am not, nor have I ever been, up to the task of being a soldier's wife. I am terrible at this whole thing. I have no idea how to be the strong and confident wife that Nathan needs. All I know is that the only way through this life of ours is for me to lean entirely on our Lord. He knows how to craft me into the wife I must be just as He knew how to craft Nathan into the soldier he is. Although I often dream of a life where we travel as missionaries and we are free to be together every day of our lives, I know in my heart that is not the life set before us. It is hard, unbearable even, but He gives me a new set of mercies and a new heap of grace every single day. He knows how to get me through every moment and He knows the plans He has for us.
Tonight, as I become increasingly more drowsy, I thank our Lord, my Father, for today's mercies and for daily teaching me to trust Him for Nathan's safety and for our future.
