Time Machine

I find lately that I am living in the year 2008, if only in my own head. Being away from Nathan has taken it's toll and I don't want to think of anything other than a life that has him present in it. I want the deployment to be over and I want OCS to be done and gone. I want to be in his arms tonight, cuddled up in our bed. Instead, I am here at the end of 2006, unable to sleep despite it being way past my bedtime. In three days, our best friend, Leland will arrive in Minnesota to help me load the trailer and drive to Kansas. It is time to move again and I'm left with the same feelings. No matter where I go, Nathan isn't there. At the very least in Kansas there will be people who know him, or who knew him once upon a time. There are people there who miss him and who pray for him. His family is there and I know that they will help me through the next year and a half of ups and downs with Nathan coming in and out of our lives as he progresses through the demands of this career. I know, and have always known, that being a soldier is what is best for Nathan and for our family. He is just crafted to be a soldier and he is the best soldier I have ever known. I also know that I am not, nor have I ever been, up to the task of being a soldier's wife. I am terrible at this whole thing. I have no idea how to be the strong and confident wife that Nathan needs. All I know is that the only way through this life of ours is for me to lean entirely on our Lord. He knows how to craft me into the wife I must be just as He knew how to craft Nathan into the soldier he is. Although I often dream of a life where we travel as missionaries and we are free to be together every day of our lives, I know in my heart that is not the life set before us. It is hard, unbearable even, but He gives me a new set of mercies and a new heap of grace every single day. He knows how to get me through every moment and He knows the plans He has for us.

Tonight, as I become increasingly more drowsy, I thank our Lord, my Father, for today's mercies and for daily teaching me to trust Him for Nathan's safety and for our future.

Moving to Kansas

After a lot of discussion throughout the months that I have been here in Minnesota, we have decided it would be best if I moved to Kansas. It turns out that Nathan will be attending Officer Candidate School beginning in June of 2007 and will not return to Minnesota until early in 2008. That would mean that I would be alone in Minnesota for another solid year and a half. It has been hard for me to be here alone for the past 7 months. I am grateful that I have had so many friends here and that so many people have lifted me up and taken such good care of me. I have just reached a point where I really need there to be someone at home when I get there. It has been hard to walk into this empty apartment. I am quite lonely and the absence of Nathan breaks my heart every day. Being with family and living with my dear mother and father in law will help me to get through the next year and a half without Nathan.

It is now November 11th, Veteran's Day, and I will be leaving here in just 19 days. I am so excited for the change of pace and I'm thrilled that I won't be spending Christmas without family around. I'm looking forward to learning more about Nathan's family and developing some really strong bonds with them. I will be attending school in Kansas working on my Sign Language Interpreter certification. (For those of you who don't know, both of my parents are deaf so sign language is quite dear to my heart.) I'm so excited to start on a path towards something that can be a productive force in my life. I have spent so many years now just wandering about without any idea of what it is I want to do. I have a lot of peace now knowing that I will be working towards a goal and that I won't be a secretary anymore. All of the jobs I have had have been good for me and I have learned a lot about who I am through those jobs. Now it is time to develop a career.

There are so many things that I am looking forward to now that we have made this decision. There will be many people I will miss greatly over the next year and a half. They will all be in my prayers and I will look forward to returning to Kansas with Nathan and reconnecting with everyone. I feel good about this decision and I am looking forward to all that God has in store for us in Kansas. I grateful for a husband who is willing to make change when it is time to make change. I'm thankful that we can both roll with the punches and focus on our future goals rather than our present situation. It is the hope of our dreams for the future that keeps us moving through these hard times away from one another.

Today I just thank God that He knows how our lives will turn out and that all of our worries and frustrations can be turned over to him, that we don't have to worry because we know Him.