Another Loss

I never expected to be so affected by the loss of soldiers I don't know. Nathan called this morning to let me know that he was okay. He tries to get to me before the news media puts out word that another Minnesota National Guardsman has been killed. Even though I am always relieved to know that Nathan is well, I am exhausted by the news of another loss.

As is true for Nathan, the loss of soldiers so close to home makes us both face the fragile state of our existance. It always sends a thankful chill through my bones to know that God has been so gracious in drawing us both to His side. We don't know how many days we have here on earth. So much of what we learn through this journey is that life carries no guarantees. The assumtions that so many take for granted are distant memories of ours. We don't assume that we will be here to hold hands in rocking chairs on the porch of the family farmhouse when we're ninety. We don't assume that we will both watch our children grow and get married and have children of their own. We hope and pray for these things but we never assume. We live a life in which we must always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. There are no guarantees.

If I could share any message with those who ask me about this war, it would be that we should never take our partner in this life for granted. I often hear women in passing complain about their husbands' bad habits. More alarming for me is the incessant need for many women to talk about their husbands in ways that are not honoring to them. I look at my neat, perfectly organized home and my clean bathroom and it makes me sad. I look at the empty sink and the freshly vacumed carpets and I miss him terribly. I know that husbands come with a certain amount of dirt and a certain lack of knowledge about how to remove that dirt. I know that they create laundry and hefty food bills. I know that they want to watch the football game and spend the early morning hours of the fall season in the woods hunting anything that moves. I know that they have a knack for keeping a vehicle spotless but can't understand why you don't want their dirty feet on the coffee table. I also know that I would trade all of those neat and tidy things and all of that relentless desire to be a woman in control of her home, for just one day with my dirty, football watching, deer hunting husband. I long for just a few hours of having him here, just his presence. I want to see his shoes by the door and his truck in the yard. I want him to kill the spiders and flop his sweaty, dirty, post gym body on my brand new couch. I would give all of the chick flicks in the world to watch just one football game with him. I would love to eat pretzels and pizza and scream at the TV for four hours, if he were here to scream with. The things that we, as women, so often put at the top of our priority list, and in the front of our minds, mean nothing when we spend night after night alone, praying that he will return. My immaculate home is just a stark contrast to my broken heart.

If you encounter this blog and you have a dirty husband who watches too many ball games and gets sweat on your new upholstery, I ask that you thank God for him. Thank God that he is safe in your home driving you mad. Thank God that he gives you that playful glance in between innings or touchdowns. Thank God that he kisses your forehead while you lay sleeping and he sneaks out in his best woodland cammo to shoot at random wood creatures. Lay aside all of that anxiety that rises in you when he isn't exactly what you think he should be and give him a playful glance in return. God has blessed each of us with our partner, for better or for worse, for near or for far, in safety and in danger. Please make your husband your priority tonight and forget about the dishes. They will still be here tomorrow. I pray that I can say the same thing about Nathan. Tonight I thank God for another day of His protective hedge and for His hand in our lives. I thank God tonight for teaching me that Nathan is far more important to me than a home without any dirt. I thank God for all that He teaches us in these trying times. It is in Jesus name...

We Loaded the Kid's Body On the Plane...

"I feel horrible about our conversation tonight... We loaded the kid's body on the plane just before I talked to you."

These are the words my husband wrote to me after a particularly rough phone conversation. We never fight on the phone and we always try to remain upbeat. On that particular night, I needed Nathan to let me lean on him and to empathize with my situation here at home. He was really amped up and speaking rather roughly to me. We weren't meshing well at all. I told him to tone down the testosterone because I couldn't handle it. What Nathan wasn't saying, couldn't say, was that they had just loaded the body of a young soldier from their unit onto the transport plane back to the states. They had draped his coffin with the flag and said their goodbyes.

The truth of this young soldier's death had just hit the news media and I was reeling from the loss of one of our men. It was difficult to hear of a loss so close to home. It truly sent the reality of this war and its possibilities straight through to my bones. I needed reassurance from my husband that he was safe and that his fate would not be death on a battlefield, but rather next to me, in our bed, when we're ninety. Nathan could only bring himself to talk about guns and cars. Those are his saftey zones and he ran to them. I didn't understand why and in the midst of my own fears and misery, I didn't care why. I needed something from him that he wasn't providing and I couldn't cope with that.

Today, nearly two weeks later, I open a letter from Nathan. He spends two thirds of the letter apologizing to me for not being there for me when I needed him and reassuring me that I and our future children will always be his top priority, not guns and cars. Just before he signs off, he leaves me with the truth of the situation that one difficult night. It breaks my heart to know that I did not reach out to my husband and support him because of my own needs. He was truly the one who needed love and reassurance that day. He was the one who put the body of a young comrade into a cargo plane and faced his own mortality. I was just the one reading about it in the headlines.

This letter reminds me that I am not the center of the universe. It reminds me that our time together is fragile and that there are many things in this life of deployment that remain unsaid. It reminds me that my husband is always the first to apologize and to put my needs in front of his own. It reminds me that he is my leader and I should follow his lead. It reminds me that someone out there lost a son and I am blessed to still have the phone calls of my dear husband. This letter reminds me of why we do what we do. Nathan serves his country because he is called by God to do so. Nathan risks his life and faces the truth of his mortality in order to preserve freedom for me and his future children. Nathan serves so that he can keep watch over young soldiers, so he can help to ensure that no more of them will travel home draped in a flag. Tonight, I thank the Lord for Nathan, my soldier and my hero.

Insecurities Surface at the Strangest Times

I never thought I would feel any sort of insecurity about my marriage to Nathan. I know that we are as solid as they come and every day adds a brick to an unbreakable wall of committment formed by this deployment. Yet somehow, in the past week or so, these nagging insecurities have crept up on me.

Having never lived with Nathan before has created this high degree of anticipation in both of us. We both have a year to imagine what it will be like to finally be together. We are realistic and both realize that there will be adjustments to be made and we will struggle through some of the complications of combining two lives. That stuff has never bothered me. Now, all of a sudden, I find myself worried about my ability to be a good wife. I wonder if he will have created such a hype about me that he will be let down when it comes time to actually live with me.

This morning, when Nathan called, I expressed my concerns to him. We share all of our feelings, though we sometimes temper things in order to keep the other from worrying. Nathan assured me that I don't have to be a perfect woman to be his perfect wife. He reminded me that I am his best friend and nothing about that has or will change. I trust him with my whole heart and I have no doubt that this marriage is for life. As I write this, God is reminding me that I choose how to focus my energies. I can choose to call this an insecurity and waste my energy worrying about pleasing my husband or I can focus on learning what the Lord says about being a good and honorable wife. Maybe my problem is a lack of trust in the Lord to mold me into the woman He desires me to be. Maybe my focus needs to be on the Lord's leading and not on the definition of perfection that comes from the world. Maybe my husband doesn't need or want a wife with the best bum on the block and the best meal on the table. Maybe he desires a wife who is faithful in all that she does, not only to him, but to the Lord. Maybe the devil has succeeded at getting my attention focused on the wrong things, not the things of the Lord. Maybe today is the day to realize that and let go of the worries and pick up the things of God.

Today, I thank the Lord for Nathan and I thank the Lord for drawing my attention to what Nathan really needs in a wife and what the Lord really needs in a follower of Christ.

Six Months of Marriage, 13 Days with Nathan

On Friday we will have been married for six months. I cannot believe how quickly that time has gone by. I am so greatful to God for the amazing gift of peace that we have had in these past six months. We have spent 13 days together in six months of marriage. We have been so blessed by the lessons we've learned through this unique situation. I think that each day that we travel on this journey God has given us, we learn more and more about one another. I have learned that Nathan is fully dedicated to me and to our relationship. He is a man who less than a year ago, struggled to have a phone conversation of any length where he actually had to participate. Now, he is a man who can hold an interesting and loving phone call for an hour and a half while he sits in a room with a number of other soldiers. He tells me stories about Iraq on Saturday mornings while I struggle to wake up without being grumpy with him. He calls in between my early morning prayer service and my 10:30 church service on Sundays. On days when he isn't out on a mission, he calls at 6:30 am and we chat while I iron my clothes and let the dog out and eat my breakfast. He talks me through my morning commute and we talk through the very last minute of the 7 am hour in the parking lot of my office. We continue to hold strong to our committment to be joyful and lighthearted during our time together on the phone. I struggle to hang up every single time he calls. Even on the days when we are blessed with two hours on the phone together, I still hang up and feel a sense of loss. I am acutly aware that my husband is not here with me. I spent a great deal of time before I met Nathan coming home to a house only occupied by a dog and it never bothered me. Now every time I enter our apartment, I feel the emptiness wash over me. God has given me the strength and the grace to push on through those feelings and arrive at a place of determination and unbelievable perseverence. I am thankful that I know a God who loves me, who knows me, and who is bigger than the war in Iraq, bigger than the battles we fight, bigger than my emotions, and bigger than the struggles in this journey of being married to Nathan. I am blessed to be on this journey with a man who understands what it is to be a devoted husband, a Godly husband, and my best friend. Thank God for this journey and for Nathan.

Time Flys When You're Waiting On Nathan

It is now nearly the end of June and so much has happened since I last posted. The days go by so quickly I can hardly keep up with life, let alone this blog.

Nathan is doing well but is anxious for his return home for mid-tour leave. We are both learning great lessons about trusting in, and leaning on, the Lord for our strength these days. Nathan has been in Iraq 103 days today. He is out of contact for the time being so I'm just biding my time. October seems infinitely far away right now but I know it won't be long until Nathan is home for a bit.

I've been staying busier than I really ought to. My latest obsession is the Minnesota Twins. We have won 14 of the last 15 games and we are smoking hot right now. I've been going to at least one game a week. It is a nice distraction from all the waiting. I don't know what I'll do without baseball to get me through the second half of this deployment.

Apart from baseball, I have become quite involved with both of our new churches. Since moving to Minneapolis I have been blessed with two very different houses of worship. I sincerely hope and believe that Nathan will love both of these congregations as much as I do. Our Sunday church is Grace Church (www.atgrace.com) in Eden Prairie, MN and our Monday night church is called Corner Church (www.cornerchurch.tv) in downtown Minneapolis. The two are so different and yet have much the same heart. Grace is a church of 5,000 and is very missions and prayer focused. Corner Church is a church of approximately 20 and meets in a coffee shop in the city. The focus of CC is to be throughout the city at many locations, much like a franchise, within walking distance of everyone who lives in downtown Minneapolis. Both of these places feel like home to me and both are offering such amazing support. I'm thrilled to be involved with both of these congregations.

There is so much more going on in our lives right now, and, as usual, I've got no time to write about it all. I'll try to update some more soon. For now, I just thank God for the incredible journey of being married to Nathan.