Have we forgotten?

The other night I sat down in our living room to watch the movie Flight 93 for the first time. It recently came out on DVD and I felt like I might be ready to face the realities of 9/11 again. I was shocked at how much emotion was stirred up by watching that movie. I felt as if I had rushed back to September 11, 2001 and was reliving the whole thing. I was in a fog for at least 24 hours. When I came out of the fog, I realized that we have forgotten so many things that we should have learned from that black day in our history. We have lost our sense of unity, our patriotism, our desire to help one another get through the day. In the weeks after 9/11 strangers were lending a hand to help others deal with the pain of the loss that we all felt as Americans. We didn't see political, economic or racial standings. What we saw were other Americans who were reeling from the devestation of being so violated, of having our security and our peace ripped from our very lives. We were what Americans were always meant to be, united.

Today I look around us and I see a very different sort of America. It seems we are more divided than we have been in decades. We draw lines between one another and demand that no one crosses those lines. We cannot find peace among ourselves yet we scream for peace everywhere else. Lines of protestors stand in front of the post office while I attempt to ship a care package to my dear soldier, a soldier who fights so that people can hate him freely. I remember after 9/11 when the wife of a soldier was lifted up by her fellow countrymen. Now I feel like we must defend our husbands' honor.

It isn't that I think all Americans must tow the same party line or believe in the same things. It is more that I pray that we might be able to understand one another as human beings, as children of God. We are all fragile and fallen. We are all suceptible to the same vulnerabilities and the same sorrows. When our safety is threatened, when we are attacked and violated, we come together out of our shared pain. It saddens me that we cannot come together out of our shared humanity. It saddens me that my husband, my dear sweet Nathan, risks his life to ensure that nothing like 9/11 will ever happen to us again and that people hate him for doing so. The same people who cried with he and I after the towers fell are the people who cannot seem to support the sacrifice he makes now. What saddens me more than anything is that our forgetfulness has resulted in outright disrespect for those who haven't forgotten and who brave the desert war in order to ensure that our enemy has not forgotten either.

I'll end today with a quote I received in an email this week and with thanks to God that my husband hasn't forgotten.

"If you don't stand behind the troops, feel free to stand in front of them."

Flowers, Baseball and Foreign Affairs

There is something so special and unique about Nathan and I. He touches my heart and my mind. He knows and seeks to know every part of who I am. He is not afraid of my truths, my past, and he is so excited about my present. When we talk, he wants to hear what I have to say. So many people tell me that Nathan only treats me this way because we're newly married and that he'll settle in eventually and he won't be the same anymore. Call me naive but I don't believe that. Nathan is a giver and he loves to see the people he cares about enjoying their lives. He still does sweet things for his mother and thinks about what she might appreciate. He knows how important it is to call his grandmother and talk to her for as long as she wants to talk. He loves to hear the women in his life tell the stories of the day. Nathan doesn't dote over me because we're newly married, he dotes because that is who he is.

Just after lunch yesterday I was sitting at my desk chatting briefly with a couple of the ladies at the office when the flower delivery man arrived with the biggest bunch of Gerber Daisies that I have ever seen. The card on the delivery said, "To the love of my life - Happy Birthday! Love, Nathan". It reminded me of our first week together. Long before marriage and deployments, Nathan gave me a beautiful bouquet of Gerber Daisies, my favorite flower. There was one flower for each day that we had known one another. He just wanted me to have flowers. He just wanted me to know that he appreciated me and that I was beautiful. I won't ever forget that. More than remembering, I don't think I'll ever be able to take Nathan for granted. He knows what I need and when I need it. He is quick to apologize when he knows he was wrong and he is firm in his correction of me when we both know that I am wrong.

Yesterday was marked with Nathan's sweet side and this morning was marked with his intellectual side. We spent the majority of our morning commute talking about foreign affairs. Never in my life have I spent time with a man who had the insight to send me flowers and then talk wars and politics. That is just the thing about Nathan, he knows all of me, not just parts. He knows that I appreciate the flowers and the little notes and the surprise gifts. He also knows that I have much to say about the goings on of the world. He knows that an evening of Fox News and a heated discussion is just as important to me as a night out at a fancy restaurant. He knows that the morning standings from last night's ball games are as crucial to our connection as his words of love and his longing to be home with me. Nathan knows that the headlines of this morning's paper, the stats of last night's game, and how much I miss him and ache for his return are all things that are running through my mind at any given moment and he is willing to dive into any or all of those topics whenever I'm ready.

Nathan has been and always will be the only man who could touch every part of who I am in a way that mattered to me. Nathan is my best friend and he would tell you that I am his. We fit together well because it all matters to both of us. If it is important to Nathan, it is important to me and vice versa. We don't always agree but we always try to understand one another. I want to know where he is coming from. I appreciate his opinions and his thoughts and I know that he appreciates mine. We have mutual respect for one another and that is so comforting. We both desire to serve one another and to put the other's needs above our own. I'm so grateful for Nathan and for the way that he loves me. I am grateful for flowers, baseball and foreign affairs.

Promises

This week I celebrated my 25th birthday and Nathan attempted to order a present and have it delivered to me in a timely manner. He was so proud of himself for planning ahead and putting in his order weeks before my birthday. As the day approached, Nathan would ask if my present had arrived. On Friday, Nathan called, very upset, to report that the gift he had ordered was on back order and would not arrive in time for my birthday. He was furious and I could tell he felt awful about not being here for my birthday. I tried to remain as upbeat as possible and to reassure him that presents didn't matter and that I was just happy that he tried his best. The truth was, I was so upset to have a birthday, my first birthday with Nathan, be one that didn't matter. I wanted my birthday to mean something, to be special. I know Nathan wanted that too. I felt terribly that he couldn't be here and that he was feeling so guilty about it. The thing about deployment is that the focus is always on the war. Our thoughts and our dreams revolve around the status of troop movements. My heart aches each time the news isn't pretty. There isn't an hour of my day, nor an hour of Nathan's, that doesn't hold uncertainty and grave possibilities. It sounds so selfish, but I just wanted one day of freedom from all of the fear, from the deployment, from the distance, from the pain and the sadness. I wanted one day of simple pleasures with my husband.

At some point during the last week, Nathan said that he was upset because he had promised that my gift wouldn't be late. I felt the desperation in his voice, as if the present was the only thing Nathan felt he could do to ease the unfortunate realities of his job, of his way of life. That desperation made me reflect on the promises we made just seven short months ago. We promised that day that we would stand by one another through good times and bad, through sickness and health, through all that life had in our path. We promised to love and cherish one another regardless of circumstance. There was never a mention of presents on time, or holidays spent in the same house, let alone the same country. There were no promises of sharing the same bed, the same meals, the same home. We didn't promise to be home at five every night and to be there at the breakfast table every morning. We didn't promise to save one another from pain, sorrow, loneliness and fear. We didn't promise to solve one another's problems or to shield each other from the realities of life in this world. I vowed never to leave his side, to support him and lift him up and respect him for the rest of our lives. I knew that day, that our promises guaranteed us pain, loneliness and fear. Even God promises that we will suffer trials and persecution. The promises we make include the difficult things of life. As much as I would love to know that my birthday presents would always be on time and that Nathan would be home for dinner every night, those weren't the promises we made nor were those things promised to us. I'm just thankful that we have the time we have. I'm thankful that we're blessed with one another and that we can hold on to each other during the trials. I'm thankful that I have a husband who wants my birthday present to be on time. That, in and of itself, is a wonderful gift.

Today, I'd like to thank God for Nathan's priorities. Nathan faces danger and terrible living situations daily and yet he still makes it a priority to remember my birthday and to remember what it is that I face here at home. I am blessed beyond anything I have, or ever will, deserve.

Wandering through the Desert

I can't believe how quickly time is going by. It seems like only yesterday that I made my last entry. I am blessed by a life full of distractions. God has given me just what I asked for, no time to wallow in missing Nathan. I pray that the same is true for him. I know that he gets so very lonely and misses home more than I will probably ever understand.

I was on my way into work this morning listening to christian radio and the song "Strong Tower" by Kutless played. The first two lines brought me to a startling realization of the difficulties Nathan must face while he follows the Lord in Iraq. I was stunned by just how beautifully the song describes the struggles he must face. Today, I'll end with the lyrics of "Strong Tower" and with gratitude to our Lord for seeing Nathan and I through our Iraqi desert and for being our refuge and our hope.

When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way

I go running to Your mountain
Where Your mercy sets me free

You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And your face is all I seek

In the middle of my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul...